Gratitude through trauma, with Melissa Binkley
Create a masterpiece from the mess of your life
After trauma, do you sink into the darkness of shame, self-hate, and self-destruction? Or do you reclaim your gifts, start a movement, and become a channel for healing and empowerment? Melissa has traveled both paths. May her story of transformation empower your journey.
Breakdown before the breakthrough
How did your journey begin?
In 2009 everything started to fall apart.
The big breakdown before the breakthrough.
I lost my home, my partner, and my job.
All within a six month time period.
I ended up homeless.
I would live in my car or stay at people’s places and not really explain what was going on.
I was melting on the inside.
Things were falling apart.
I was dealing with former eating disorders and drug issues.
My body was in this place of complete and utter shutdown.
My health was going. I didn’t have a place to live. I didn’t have a job.
I dropped to my knees and I was like, “What’s the answer here? What am I missing?”
Everybody talks about that moment, that quietness, that peace that happens to them. That happened to me in 2009.
I had a friend who came and picked me up from a night of excessive drinking and took me to her house.
I woke up the next morning and I had this level peace.
I went from being distraught and mind blown and crying.
To two days of absolute nothingness.
At the time I asked her “What the hell did you do to me?”
She was like, “I just did some work on you to take you out of that space.”
She was my first spiritual guide.
Pulling down the veil of the mirror to stand tall
I started in on this journey of healing and transforming my life and working on loving my body.
I first went to heal my body physically.
But as I started getting healthy in my body I didn’t like what I saw in the mirror.
I had spent years being really thin.
I had been judging myself so much on my outer appearance and found out it was really connected to my inner soul.
There has been such a war on the female body. We were sanctioned from showing skin and wearing certain kinds of clothes. Can you talk a little more of how you transformed your relationship with your body? What was your journey of becoming friends and lovers with your body, as opposed to being at war with yourself?
I was raped in 1994.
I believe that we are allowed to show our skin but it is not giving us any more freedom than the women who are completely covered, at all.
That was a piece of my reclamation and being asked, “What were you wearing?”
It was a brutal rape.
I was locked in a garage.
And had to fight for my right to say: “I was doing nothing wrong."
I was wearing a basketball jersey and jeans.
I had to reclaim it for myself and say “my body, my vagina, everything is okay with me."
I have a right to be empowered with that.
I love to be naked but it was for a long time that I just wanted to cover up.
I literally had to pull down the veil of the mirror.
I had to look at myself in the mirror everyday and say, “I love you."
And touch my body and caress it.
Even the pieces of me that weren’t ‘beautiful’ as what I thought society thought was ‘beautiful’, saying “I love that piece of you."
The stretch marks from having my baby.
I used to hide in the corner. I didn’t want to be seen. I wanted to be small.
To learning to take that power pose, and throwing my shoulders back and being proud of the height that I was.
It started with self-love.
It started with looking myself in the mirror and saying “I love you."
And then it started working on the soul piece, that I am just not my body.
My body is a tool that I am using in this lifetime to learn things, but it is not who I am.
I was a dissociator. I would literally escape my body to get out of situations. If I thought I was going to get hurt or emotions started to come up I would checkout.
I had to learn to ground into it and take care of it on a health level that honors it.
Rebelling as a means to heal
How did you go from slouching and wanting to disappear to showing up and standing tall?
For me it started out as a rebellion.
I was like, “You told me I have to be this way, you told me that this is the way it is going to be, and I refuse to accept this anymore."
And that’s where the tattoos came from, and the piercings, and the hair.
It was me stepping out and rebelling against society, saying “I am tired of being told I have to do things your way… I’m not afraid to use my voice and if you don’t like me I don’t care, I have enough friends anyway… I don’t need you to like me, for me to stand true to who I am.”
I used that hard exterior as a way to work on healing the inside.
Brain bliss
Would you talk about your process and how this healing comes through you?
Some of the things that you really want to be focused on when you’re working on healing yourself is what my client has termed “Brain Bliss."
Meditation. Three minutes of peace.
Understanding the duality, the disconnect from where we at right now.
Not just about silencing the brain but connecting to a higher source and something deeper.
The only way to do that is to work on deepening our connection to spirit.
One of the processes that I use with my clients when it comes to healing is if you have somebody in your life that you have not forgiven writing a letter to that person.
Then you take it and burn it, or you rip it up.
And you keep doing that day in and day out.
I’ve seen it can take at the most 12 days to really transform the way that you experience that person and everything that is connected to them.
It works in such a powerful way.
The journey to gratitude
You would not be who you are today had you not experienced what you experienced and had you not done the healing that you have done.
It was definitely a journey.
I call it Gratitude Through Trauma.
In March of last year I went back to my hometown for the first time in 13 years.
Thirteen years prior to that I drove into my hometown and I drove past the place where I had been raped. I was a drug dealer at the time, I was unhealthy, I was in a really bad mindset. I drove past the place and I was like “F*** this."
Fast forward thirteen years later, my daughter is running track at my old high school.
I drive to this town. I drive past the exact same spot again. I stopped the car in the middle of the road and I turned off the engine. I literally got tears in my eyes and I said “Thank you."
I would not be where I am today if that had not happened to me.
It changed everything for me.
My basketball coach back in the day, who was the only person that stood for me, now 20 years later he’s at this meet.
I walk up and give him a hug and I get the opportunity to tell him how much I love him.
Gratitude I had for him. Gratitude for that situation. Gratitude for all of it.
You may not find the gratitude right now, but when you get to that point, you know that you have transformed your life.
The blessings in disguise of the synchronicities of the universe
When you start paying attention, all the things you think are coincidences are the divine order of blessings stepping in, so you can find your path, so you can step into your truth.
The past summer I went to Europe with my daughter.
The day we got to this spiritual Eco society, my credit card was stolen.
I was only supposed to stay at this spiritual Eco society for five days.
It forced me to stay at this society.
In that, a book fell off the shelf that ended up changing my life.
I got readings and healings that completely transformed everything.
That is synchronicity and the way the universe works.
When you think something is a failure or something is bad, it is really not.
Look for the blessing and the bigger picture story of what is really happening in your life.
Using wisdom and intuition to heal
You took my quiz, Your True Selfie. [www.yourtrueselfie.com] I am dying to know what your result is and if it fits into your story of your life.
Wisdom. [www.yourtrueselfie.com]
What I have been told by my guides and what I am here to do, I am supposed to be a teacher.
They call me the “Great awakener."
I am here to shake things up and snap people out of their shit.
Wisdom for me is connecting and bringing in the wisdom from other dimensions and bringing it into this lifetime.
I am here to bridge the gap. Be the bridge to people who are on the other side. Bring in signs of spirituality and show that it is all connected.
Links and Resources:
**Mention that you heard her interview on Valerie’s podcast to receive a complimentary session from Melissa** (limited availability)
Visit her website: www.melissabinkley.com for a complimentary session, and to find out about the Intuitive Intelligence Academy or to schedule into virtual latte with Melissa
Follow her on Facebook and Instagram (@melissabinkley)
Did you enjoy the show? Let us know your biggest takeaways in the comments.
If you like what we’re doing, please subscribe to #InChargeShow in iTunes and leave us a review and a 5-star rating, to help more women who won’t settle find us.
Follow the links to take the quizzes we discussed on the show:
www.yourtrueselfie.com
www.inchargequiz.com
In the free report at the end of each quiz, you’ll get an invitation to join our Facebook community. I hope you accept it.
I look forward to connecting with you soon!
Until then,
Stay in your heart.
xx
Valerie
In this episode, we talk about: trauma, sexual, assault, rape, transformation, healing, drug, addiction, self-love, self-acceptance, body image, healthy, gratitude, confidence, business, success, empowerment, women
Quotes
“The big breakdown before the breakthrough.”
“I had been judging myself so much on my outer appearance and found out it was really connected to my inner soul.”
“I literally had to pull down the veil of the mirror. I had to look at myself in the mirror everyday and say I love you’.”
“My body is a tool that I am using in this lifetime to learn things, but it is not who I am.”
“I don’t need you to like me for me to stand true to who I am.”
“You may not find the gratitude right now, but when you get to that point you know that you have transformed your life.”
“When you start paying attention, all the things you think are coincidences are the divine order of blessings stepping in so you can find your path, so you can step into your truth.”
“When you think something is a failure or something is bad, it is really not. Look for the blessing and the bigger picture story of what is really happening in your life.”
My sexual orientation is that I like people, with Corrina Gordon-Barnes
The how of a dream relationship
Imagine if you said to your partner, “There’s nothing that you can do wrong. If I’m ever irritated with you, resentful of you, disappointed with you, that is 100% for me to resolve.” Find out more about Corrina’s radical approach to happy relationships, why it works, and what it takes.
The liberation of taking responsibility
How did you get to doing what you do now?
I got really really peaceful in my relationships.
I realized that this is really rare.
I broke through to this whole new level of peace where I said to my wife, “There is literally nothing that you can do that is wrong. If I’m ever irritated with you, resentful of you, disappointed with you, that is 100% for me to resolve.”
It doesn’t mean I don’t get triggered.
It means I have a very fast way of getting to peace.
It just takes one person.
It is hopeless to try and get the other person to change.
If Sam suddenly decides to give me exactly what I want, that is a bonus.
But it’s not required for me to be happy.
I have taken the responsibility and liberation on me.
Just take that responsibility yourself and give yourself what you want.
Detaching from the stories
What were some challenges on your own path that enabled you to go deeper?
I realized it’s just not going to work if I keep thinking I want and need something from her.
I’m just going to be disappointed, frustrated.
She is my soul mate.
I feel that we are meant to be together.
The core of our relationship is right.
How do you know that at the core your relationship is right? How are you so convinced?
When the stories are gone, there is just a silence in my head.
I had doubts over the years.
Doubts are the stories.
When I have worked my thoughts, I have taken a thought that has caused frustration or disappointment, asked whether it is true.
Is that what I need in order to be peaceful and happy in this relationship?
What would this moment with this beautiful woman be like without my story in the way?
Questioning the stories that build up.
They are just stories, they are not true.
Process to stillness
What does it take for you to get to the point where you can see the story from what it is and detach from it?
The very first stage is to actually have a rant.
Write down everything about your partner that you think is their fault.
Really get mean with this.
You have to get them on paper to see what you’re actually dealing with.
The next step is to find stillness.
I meditate.
Observe those thoughts and see that they are thoughts.
They are not facts. They are like these strings of words that appear in your mind.
Then you start to get that separation from them.
Be aware of where you are arguing for your pain.
People can tolerate huge amounts of pain if they think that is the only option.
When you start seeing that pain is not obligatory, if you can see that your thoughts are causing that pain then you can begin to move beyond that.
Giving away our power
I imagine you haven’t always been in this peaceful place. Can you share a little bit about the mistakes you made early on, maybe different relationships?
I had one significant relationship before Sam.
I looked to him for everything.
My world got very very small.
He was going to fulfill all my needs.
I didn’t need to stay connected to my friends.
I tuned everything out.
I made him everything.
I lost myself completely.
I didn’t have the self-love, so I was looking for it in him.
I definitely was not living my personal power.
I was a teenager.
I didn’t love myself.
I didn’t think I was amazing.
So when someone came along that seemed to love me, of course I was going to leap onto that horse and ride away into that subset.
There is no need to have needs
This whole idea of us having needs in itself is to be questioned.
I can take care of myself, love myself, be there for myself.
Anything my partner does is a bonus.
This is a thing I have really discovered, is how grateful I am.
When you acknowledge that you actually don’t have needs that have to be fulfilled by this person, then everything that they actually do for you is such a gift. It puts you in a place of appreciation, love and gratitude, as opposed to a place of expectation and disappointment.
We think we have needs, we think that our partner’s job is to meet those needs. They then don’t meet those needs because they are human, and then we feel frustrated, disappointed, bitter, and resentful.
I had a friend who said, “Expectations are premeditated resentments."
What if I went into a situation with no expectations?
There is no past to compare with, there is no future to compare with, there is no other person to compare with, there is no fictional wife or husband that I am comparing with.
Just seeing what is happening.
Just watch what is actually happening, rather than comparing it with the script.
That is what peace is, when you are just in yourself, not trying to change his world.
Accepting your authentic self
I understand that you identify as bisexual. Can you share a little bit about how this has been for you recognizing that your sexual orientation was not straight?
I was boy-mad in my teens.
I liked boys.
But I also liked girls.
Because I also liked boy, I thought, “I will just go out with boys. That’s just what you do,"
When I was in my 20s, I met Sam – my wife.
I just fell in love with her.
It was meant to be, soulmate, destiny.
We argued the very time we met.
We say we were annoyed at each other that we hadn’t met each other until then.
Gender was not relevant.
My sexual orientation is that I like people.
I have never had a problem with it.
It has always been easy for me.
I feel very grateful for that.
That is my vision, we don’t see gender so much.
We are just people. We all have these minds that project onto the people we are with.
Whether we are male or female or identify as a different gender, it is just humans trying to love humans the best we can.
Transcending assumptions
I remember the very first Valentine’s Day I got with Sam.
I went into the card shop. I could not find a card that did not have a man and a woman on the front of it.
I had no idea because until then all the cards I have ever bought were for men.
That’s when I realized it is not even people being prejudice that creates challenge.
It is when we make assumptions.
Being with Sam, people assume that I am gay. I say to them, “I am not gay, but my wife is,"
How do you find yourself living with these assumptions being imposed on you?
I experience it with a lot of love, compassion, and lightness.
People are innocent.
We believe what we believe.
I don’t think people want to hurt other people.
They just haven’t questioned certain thoughts, certain assumptions.
Being compassionate to your truth
Do you have any advice for people who are in the process of coming out right now?
My process if about questioning the thought.
The thought that would stop someone from coming out is, “They are going to reject me, they are not going to love me,"
Where am I doing that to myself?
Am I hating myself? Am I rejecting myself? Am I loving myself?
Finding peace with, this is who you are, this is your beautiful self.
This is your truth, and anything that is not your truth is going to feel off and wrong.
Our favorite tips from Corrina
Question your thoughts, “Is it true?”
Thoughts are not facts, they are just strings of words that come up in our mind.
Question the idea of having needs in relationships.
View what your partner does for you as a gift, as opposed to an expectation.
Let go of your relationship expectations, and instead be with your partner in that moment.
Find the magnificence in your partner and in that moment together.
Find peace in your authentic self.
Love and be compassionate to yourself.
Quotes
“I have taken the responsibility and liberation on me.”
“If we want to grow, we want all of it.”
“What am I living to get back into my personal power?”
“I can take care of myself, love myself, be there for myself, and then anything my partner does is a bonus on top of that.”
“When you start seeing that pain is not obligatory, if you can see that your thoughts are causing that pain then you can begin to move beyond that.”
“What if I went into a situation with no expectations? There is no past to compare with, there is no future to compare with, there is no other person to compare with, there is no fictional wife or husband that I am comparing with. I am just seeing what is happening.”
“That is my vision, we don’t see gender so much.”
“Whether we are male or female or identify as a different gender, it is just humans trying to love humans the best we can.”
“We believe what we believe. I don’t think people want to hurt other people. They just haven’t questioned certain thoughts, certain assumptions.”
“Anything that is not your truth is going to feel off and wrong.”
Resources and Links:
Visit her website: www.corrinagordonbarnes.com
Did you enjoy the show? Let us know your biggest takeaways in the comments.
If you like what we’re doing, please subscribe to #InChargeShow in iTunes and leave us a review and a 5-star rating, to help more women who won’t settle find us.
Follow the links to take the quizzes we discussed on the show:
www.yourtrueselfie.com
www.inchargequiz.com
In the free report at the end of each quiz, you’ll get an invitation to join our Facebook community. I hope you accept it.
I look forward to connecting with you soon!
Until then,
Stay in your heart.
xx
Valerie
In this episode, we talk about: woman, entrepreneur, relationship, bisexual, gay, lesbian, coming out, truth, marriage, happy, peaceful, love, wisdom, authentic, rules, liberation
What makes a successful entrepreneur, with Thembi Bheka
Creating a tsunami of wealth sharing
She came to Canada from Zimbabwe with $5 in her pocket. Now she’s a real estate investor and educator. Thembi’s view on what makes a successful entrepreneur: “Be okay with the fact that you just risked everything you have in life to take the next step." Do you agree? Listen to her interview and decide.
From poverty to perseverance
How did you get to do what you are doing now?
My background.
Where I came from there was poverty.
I left to leave the country.
I didn’t know anyone coming to Canada.
I came with $5 in my pocket.
I stayed at the YMCA for a month.
I wanted to give back, because I got so much in this country.
I told myself “As soon as I am able to do it, I will help other people like me and help other women who could be stuck in uncomfortable situations because of their financial status.”
That’s really what started everything for me.
Taking action
How did you go from having $5 in your pocket and living at the ‘Y’ to being in real estate?
I went to nursing school.
Just after I started working there, I realized that the nursing salary wasn’t enough for me to make an impact.
I came across an article in the newspaper, which said, “Get out of the rat race."
I attended an event based on that article.
I learned so much about real estate.
I learned that 90% millionaires become so through owning real estate.
I decided I was going to be one of them.
You have to take action.
One goal
Do you remember the day when your mortgage got approved for your first property?
It was 2008, in February.
It was a very happy moment.
It was a townhouse.
I still have it.
I went onto buy many properties after that, and renting out those properties.
I did not move into my house of my own until 2010.
To reach the next level, we have to put our needs on the side.
We need to put all the vacations to the side and see what we can do to reach that goal.
It’s about focusing on that one goal.
Just the one thing.
Impact as a measure for success
Your vision has always been empowering other people and giving back.
It is about helping the next people.
I believe that success is not measured by how much money you make. It is about how much you impact other people.
That is my philosophy.
That is what I live by.
Changing everybody’s lives everyday.
It’s not just about the money, it’s about what you can do with the money.
Squeezing in time for education
How was it for you juggling motherhood, educating yourself, and hunting for those properties?
I will be honest, it wasn’t easy.
But nothing in life is easy.
For the education part, I had a lot of CDs.
Every time we would travel, 4 – 5 hour drives, I would listen to that.
I could squeeze in time for education.
I ended up working night shifts, because I used to get longer breaks.
During that time that’s when I could study and research more about real estate.
I believe we have to sacrifice to achieve what we get.
Masterminds change your mindset
I imagine during those seven years you didn’t see the light?
Those moments would come where I am ready to quit, saying, “I am just going to back to work at the hospital. Forget this business thing. I just want to be like every other normal person."
That friend really helped a lot.
She would pitch in and say, “You can do it."
It is those moments when you have someone like that to help you with your mindset.
You need a mastermind or an accountability [partner].
It is not easy to be an entrepreneur.
The first few years are very tough.
I used shop at Valley Village for my clothing.
Because I couldn’t afford go into a regular store.
You need to save each and every penny.
Was it an easy journey? No.
Was it worth it? Absolutely!
Gaining inspiring work ethic
Were there entrepreneurs in your family before you?
My mom.
She used to go and sell fruits and vegetables on the street.
It wasn’t a real entrepreneur.
It was a survival mode kind-of-thing.
But I saw that in her.
That’s how she managed to pay our tuition and help us survive.
Gratitude
Having come such a long way, from Zimbabwe, when you look back and you look at yourself how have you changed?
Gratitude.
People in Canada have so much gratitude.
I think I learned a lot through that.
Sharing. To give to charity.
It is characteristics I didn’t grow up seeing because more people were lacking.
I came with nothing. I got furniture, I got clothes.
Not even knowing these people. They just gave it to me.
Just giving a stranger your furniture so they could have something to sleep on.
“I did not start giving because I have a lot of money. I started giving when I had nothing, when I was living from paycheck-to-paycheck.” That was Oprah.
It doesn’t start with having a million dollars in my bank account. It starts with having $5.
Paying it forward
What is the big vision behind your vision now?
I would like to get a lot of people, I mean a lot of people, to help other people.
For me alone I won’t be able to change the world. If I can impact many people to impact others then we would be able to change the world.
We would be able to eradicate poverty in Africa.
We would be able to make those big changes.
I started teaching people in Africa how to invest in real estate.
They can create wealth to impact others,
A tsunami of wealth sharing.
“When you first jump, your parachute will not open right away” – Steve Harvey
You have been so unstoppable. What has enabled you to really take this big leap? What’s different about you?
It’s not about me.
It’s about every entrepreneur, being able to stand up and take action.
Not only take action. Take action that may lead you to be bankrupt.
Every time I sign on that mortgage paper, I’m increasing my debt.
I am millions and millions in debt.
Be okay with the fact that you just risked everything you have in life to take the next step.
Take action and be prepared to lose everything.
Be prepared to fail.
It is worth it.
It elevates you. It takes you to the next level.
It impacts many people at the same time.
Bettering our children’s future and present
As a woman, have you experienced limiting beliefs about what you can and cannot do?
Investing in real estate takes a lot of travelling to go to seminars and events.
When I do that I have to look for someone to take care of the kids.
Sometimes I take them with me, and they stay in a hotel watching movies all day.
Every mother does not feel comfortable doing that.
That has been truly the most challenging thing.
Leaving my children behind as I attend the educational seminars to advance myself.
However, I look at it and I say “If I don’t do this my children won’t get to go to Disney Land by the end of the month.”
It is a temporary sacrifice, which I am doing for their future.
There is that guilty consciousness as a mother and as a woman.
But you look at the big benefit of it.
Taking the sacrifices so that they can have a better life.
Abundance
You took my quiz, Your True Selfie. [insert link www.yourtrueselfie.com] Any aha moments?
It was a true selfie.
For me it was honestly the truth of who I am.
My result was Abundance. [insert link www.yourtrueselfie.com]
That is my true belief.
I believe in the abundant mindset.
Our favorite tips from Thembi
Focus on only one goal.
Put your own personal needs aside to priorities your business.
It is important to have an accountability partner or a mastermind.
Take risks that could lead to bankruptcy.
Don’t measure your success through money, but your impact on other people.
Resources and Links
Visit her website: www.realestaterealriches.com for free tips in how to invest in real estate and for online coaching
Quotes
“You have to take action."
“To reach the next level, we have to put our needs on the side."
“It’s about focusing on that one goal."
“I believe that success is not measured by how much money you make. It is about how much you impact other people."
“It’s not just about the money, it’s about what you can do with the money."
“It doesn’t start with having a million dollars in my bank account. It starts with having $5."
“I would like to get a lot of people, I mean a lot of people, to help other people."
“For me alone I won’t be able to change the world. If I can impact many people to impact others then we would be able to change the world."
“A tsunami of wealth sharing."
“Not only take action. Take action that may lead you to be bankrupt."
“Be okay with the fact that you just risked everything you have in life to take the next step."
“Take action and be prepared to lose everything."
Did you enjoy the show? Let us know your biggest takeaways in the comments.
If you like what we’re doing, please subscribe to #InChargeShow in iTunes and leave us a review and a 5-star rating, to help more women who won’t settle find us.
Follow the links to take the quizzes we discussed on the show:
In the free report at the end of each quiz, you’ll get an invitation to join our Facebook community. I hope you accept it.
I look forward to connecting with you soon!
Until then,
Stay in your heart.
xx
Valerie
In this episode we chat about: real estate investing, real estate education, entrepreneur, immigrant, success, giving back, creating wealth, single mom, taking risks, reward, sacrifice, goal, focus, strategy, winning
Let success surprise you, with Natasha Khazanov
Give yourself a hug and other tips from a neuroscientist
Her success came as a surprise. When Natasha made her decision to leave Russia to seek a better future for her son in the US, she was sure that she was sacrificing her own career for good. But her entrepreneurial journey was just about to begin.
From sacrifice to success
What is the story of how you got on this path, what was your call to adventure?
I left Russia because of the turmoil at that time.
My motivation was to create a better life for my son.
I was willing to sacrifice my career to make it happen for Andrew.
I didn’t think I would be successful professionally.
I was hired at UCSF, one of the best schools in Medicine.
The department needed me to be a therapist.
I didn’t like it. It was too ambiguous. Too fuzzy.
Twenty-six years down the road I know that this is my calling – helping people to be happy and more resilient.
In my wildest dreams honestly I could not imagine that I could be teaching at UCSF, that I could testify in the Supreme Court, that I would have a thriving private practice in therapy.
My assumption that was you need to speak good English.
I wasn’t fluent.
I surprised myself.
How parents influence our professional life
So many limiting beliefs could have held you back, but you didn’t let that hold you back because you had this bigger desire at heart?
I did have that. But I also had another tool.
I downloaded the voice of my father.
My dad was the ultimate incredibly effective parent.
My dad parented me in a way that was intuitive. He didn’t know a lot about the science or the art of parenting. But he was wise and smart.
The download from my early childhood was “you can do whatever you want. Whatever you put your mind to you will be successful, because you are competent. You can make mistakes and because you are competent you will be able to recover from you mistakes”.
My mom was the opposite. She was very critical.
Her downloads were “Who do you think you are?”
I think this was my motivator to be a parenting coach and parenting expert.
I realized that when you have these two sets of voices in your head, one of them is helpful and the other is hurtful.
Overtime I was able to identify my mom’s voice as not very helpful and replace it with my dad’s voice.
Examining ourselves just enough
What would you say to somebody who is thinking “I don’t think I have had an empowering voice my life”? Maybe both parents were critical, or a single parent who was always busy. What can this person do to help parent themselves right now.
There are different ways to replace hurtful voices with helpful voices.
It is never too late.
We are never done. Even if our parents are very competent and good, still we develop unhelpful voices.
This is the work of self-exploration.
Socrates said, “The unexamined life is not worth living”.
It is true, so we need to examine our lives.
But a lot of times we live the over-examined lives. We are stuck in our heads. We examine our lives by being critical to ourselves and beating ourselves up for our failures.
So my prescription to changing ourselves is living our lives that are examined just enough.
That means paying attention to our feelings. Knowing where they showing up in our bodies.
Feelings are very physical, so it is not about thinking.
It’s about being present, and allowing feelings to show up.
Overcoming the fear of rejection
When you started doing work on your own and developing your SMARTT method, what kinds of barriers came up for you?
It was hard.
When I opened my private practice, it was scary.
It wasn’t as scary as it is now to launch my SMARTT Parenting because there is no guarantee that people will like it.
Fear of rejection is the most visceral fear for all of us.
The only way I was able to overcome my fears is being gentle, kind, and forgiving to myself.
And using my SMARTT approach on myself.
The same part of our brain lights up in fMRI when we experience social rejection as when we have physical pain.
Sometimes it is easier to be in physical pain than be socially rejected.
Transformations
My mom passed away recently.
She was my critical parent.
I had an amazingly beautiful experience with her before she died.
I used my SMARTT tools to connect with her in a way that was kind, loving, forgiving, and pretty profound.
My mom was not probably parented in the way that was stellar.
My mom was educated and smart, she was a physician. But she was not emotionally intelligent.
I saw the transformation in my mom at the end of her life and that was beautiful and amazing.
Facing our feelings to succeed
Acknowledge, welcome all your feeling. No good or bad, right?
A part of my upbringing was the notion that you were allowed to have one feeling at a time.
If you were angry, go in your room and clear your anger.
Feelings show up and they are messy.
Acknowledge you may be fearful or anxious.
Then you can surround your feeling with feelings of compassion to yourself, forgiveness.
Being gentle.
You can even hug yourself.
When your body feels safe, your brain works better. You are more creative, more perceptive.
Our favorite tips from Natasha:
Don’t let language or cultural barriers get in the way of success.
Welcome the hurtful and helpful voices from childhood.
To work through the critical voice, use movement and breathing.
To overcome fear, be gentle, kind, and forgiving to yourself.
Use the SMARTT tools to connect with children and with parents
Avoid over-examining or under-examining your life.
Be present, pay attention to your feelings and how they show up in your body.
Usher in and welcome all feelings.
To feel safe and be more productive, give yourself a hug.
Resources and Links:
Quotes
“Fear of rejection is, in my opinion, the number one reason why people don’t take risks. And when we don’t take risks we are not going to be successful.”
“All my feelings, comfortable or uncomfortable, are good feelings. In my book, there is no such thing as negative feelings. All of them are signals.”
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I look forward to connecting with you soon!
Until then,
Stay in your heart.
xx
Valerie
In this episode, we talk about: success, mother, woman, immigration, confidence, self-doubt, neuroscience, parenting, healing, resilience, brain, love