If you're having self-doubt, if you're having thoughts like, "Who am I to do this," if you have this calling inside you that you've been holding yourself back from acting on, thinking, "Well, maybe I'm not enough, maybe I can't change the world," if you have a personal story that's full of pain and maybe shame and suffering, you've got to listen to this episode of Her Success Radio with Vivian Glyck. This woman will snap you out of this with her story. This episode moved me so deeply, and I'll tell you why in a moment.
I'm Dr. Valerie, the host of Her Success Radio, talking to you about the episode called The Women That We Can Become: Do The Next Right Thing, with Vivian Glyck.
Vivian is the founder of Just Like My Child Foundation, so for the past 11 years, she has been doing this thing. When people ask her what it is that she does for a living, she says, "I can't believe this, but I save babies in Africa.”
So no small feat. Her foundation has accomplished amazing milestones, saved thousands of lives through education, mentorship, healthcare, micro-enterprise—phenomenal accomplishments. And it all started with Vivian's personal story, and she goes very deeply into her personal story.
After she gave birth to her son Zak, and then her heart just broke open as a mother, she became so connected with the suffering of other children, and all these statistics and all this information kept coming her way about the suffering of children in Africa. Just as an example, something I learned from her, that the number one cause of death of adolescent girls in the U.S. is suicide, and the number one cause of death of adolescent girls in Uganda is childbirth, so very acute suffering, and she was pulled to do this work, but check this out.
She was living a very comfortable life in sunny California. She didn't have to do any of that. Do you ever find yourself in that place where you're like, "You know, I have this great idea. I'm thinking of this, but you know what? I don't have to do this." And you give yourself that out, so she didn't have to do any of this, but at the same time, she had to do this, and the way she explains it is that that pain that she was feeling became greater than the pleasure of the comfort, and so she went to Africa, and everybody thought that she lost her mind.
And you may think that running a charity, everybody opens the door for you and opens their wallets, everybody wants to support you, but I was shocked when Vivian shared real-life day-to-day obstacles that she has to deal with, so every day is difficult. She has to overcome things to make things happen.
I asked her this question I really want to know the answer to, "How come she hasn't quit? How come she hasn't quit despite all these obstacles?" And here's what she said: She compared her business, her mission, with her child, and that really went in so deep in my heart when I heard that. She said, "How do I give up on my own child? I just can't do it. I can never walk away and say, 'I'm sorry. This is just too difficult.'" So she says, "I'm a mama lion…” and every woman is a mama lion, whether or not you've awakened to that powerfully or not. “I'm here to protect, I'm here to take care, I'm here to do good, but don't get in my way
If you're looking for that inspiration, tune into this episode with Vivian, and you will learn so much wisdom from her, as I've learned.
When I asked her what advice she would give to a woman who is starting out with her mission, with her message, she said, "Number one, disabuse yourself from the thought that you can't make an impact." So important. And number two, "Do the next right thing." And if you want to know more, she really goes deeply into her story and into what she means by the next right thing, that you can hear on the episode. You can find us on iTunes, Her Success Radio, and look for the episode with Vivian.
Such powerful words. "God is waiting for us to do the next right thing," she said. She said, "Let's get this business of handling ourselves handled. All this business of handling our weight, our looks, our image, whatever we get busy with, because God is waiting for us to do the next right thing." How does this land for you? It landed so powerfully for me.
Another huge nugget, huge takeaway, was about confidence. She said, "The second you get a girl into service, which is really what she wants to do, that stuff about her self-esteem falls away." And I pointed out to her that most of us are waiting for that magic confidence pill, or we're doing these confidence trainings to get the confidence to act on our mission and to be in service, but what Vivian is saying is the other way around. You get a girl into service, that's what she needs, that's what she really wants, and then confidence issues are no longer issues, so don't take our word for it, try it.
Vivian says that, as a result of being in service, the chatter in her brain has stopped: “Am I good enough? Am I this enough?”
I mentioned in the beginning, if you have some pain, some shame, some difficulties in your personal story, that maybe you're not going there fully because it's just too painful. Consider how you can use this as fuel, because it's your wounds that show the way. It's your wounds that reveal your why, reveal your mission, and Vivian went right there. She shared about incredible suffering that she experienced. Her whole family, her parents being Holocaust survivors, her dad, who was abusive to her mom and her, and her being sexually abused by him till age 14, when she stood up and she spoke up and liberated, not only herself, but her mother. And now she's liberating these countless girls, and she wouldn't have been able to do it had she not found her voice and transmuted the energy of that pain into the energy of that passion and service.
[Tweet "Your wounds reveal your Why" Dr. Valerie on Her Success Radio]
If you're looking for inspiration and that fuel for your own mission, you will find it in this episode. I'm going to leave you with a couple of thoughts about Vivian's mission, and why it is so important, and it's so easy for us to support. It is so easy. It will blow your mind. She is doing the heavy lifting. Her team on the ground is doing the heavy lifting too, and here's what she says, "The difference between a girl needing to sell her body in order to generate what she needs, because it's the only asset she has, is $10 a month. For her to get menstrual pads, to get to and from school, to contribute to her family, is $10 a month.”
Whatever your mission is, I hope you find your inspiration and your power, and pick up amazing wisdom tips from Vivian from this episode. Find us on iTunes, Her Success Radio, and if you like us, please leave a review, and even more importantly, share with another woman who has this bigness in her, who has the bigness of her mission just wanting to burst out, and she just needs support and inspiration, so let's expand this circle of awakened sisterhood.
To support Vivian’s foundation in their mission, go to www.justlikemychild.org. Don’t forget to watch that video in the “About” section of the site. That’s the video that we talk about in this episode, one that makes me cry every time.
Thank you so much for watching, and if you are sitting on the gold mine of your own incredible mission, but you are filled with self-doubt, and you're just paralyzed, and something just gets in the way of action—every week, as my service, as a part of my service, I am making three sessions available to three of my listeners.
You'll need to apply here on the website. Go to my homepage, drvaleriebaker.com, and click the link that says Her Success Strategy Session, and if you're selected, I would love to support you in identifying those success blocks that get in the way, and giving you my thoughts and suggestions and inspiration and support for removing them. So please apply. Please show up. Raise your hand and show up to your mission, and as Vivian says, "Do the next right thing.”
Here's to your success without sacrifice. Have an amazing week.
Vivian Glyck is the founder of Just Like My Child Foundation that she started following the birth of her son, Zak. Having experienced the love of a mother for her child, Vivian woke up to the value of every human life. After learning about the horrific numbers of children dying from malaria and orphaned by the AIDS epidemic, Vivian realized she had to make a difference.
Founded in 2006, the organization has dramatically impacted the lives of thousands of women and children in Uganda and Senegal (and soon the US) through initiatives in healthcare, education, microenterprise, social justice and girls empowerment. The organization is now primarily focused on implementing their Girl Power Project® which is focusing on reaching a million girls and empowering them to stay in school, avoid forced child marriage, pregnancy, violence.
She was honored with the Women of Peace award, has been selected as “One of 50 People to Watch” in San Diego Magazine and was featured in MORE magazine for her work in Uganda.
An author and successful marketing director for Deepak Chopra, Dean Ornish, Jon Kabat-Zinn, and others, Vivian Glyck, a native New Yorker, currently lives in San Diego with her husband and son. Find out more at www.JustLikeMyChild.org
On Her Success Radio, Dr. Valerie talks to successful women about their journeys — the obstacles they overcame, and the ones they’re facing right now, as they keep upleveling their contribution in the world. If you too have a mission that needs you to step up and play a bigger game, tune in for inspiration and practical tools you can use on your journey.
In the world where it’s never been safe for a woman to be visible, Her Success is a revolutionary act. Join Her Success Revolution!
If you enjoyed today’s episode, please consider leaving us a 5-star rating and a review. It will make us very happy if you subscribe to our show (it’s free), so we can stay connected. But what would truly mean the world to us is if you share about our show with other women and men and inspire them to live and support Her Success Revolution.
Dear listener,
I want to get to know you and support you on your mission too. Please tell me in the comments below:
What’s the next right thing in your life or business right now? What will it take for you to commit to doing it? What gets in the way?
Apply for your 1:1 Her Success Strategy Session with me at https://drvaleriebaker.com/
Each week, I offer 3 of my listeners this opportunity to get my eyes on her life and business.
In this session, we’ll
Her Success Strategy Session is $1500 value and you can book it with me directly. But if you apply and are selected, you get it free of charge.
I’m always astounded by how fast a life can change when one’s gifts are truly seen. My special gift is being able to deeply see a woman’s true greatness and help her to really see, feel, and live it. And that, as Gabrielle Bernstein would say, “May cause miracles.”
I can’t wait to see what miracle you and I spark together.
Here’s to your success without sacrifice,
xx
Dr. Valerie
Today we have an amazing guest, a real star Denise Duffield-Thomas! She is the money mindset mentor within the new wave of online female entrepreneurs. Her bestselling books “Lucky Bitch” and “Get Reach like a Bitch” give a fresh and funny road map to create an outrageously successful life and business, Denise helps women release their fear of money, set premium prices for their services and take back control over their finances. Denise is an award winning speaker, author, and entrepreneur who helps women transform their economy class money mindset into a first class life. You can find her at denisedt.com. I am so glad to have her on the show!
From a really young age, Denise just wanted to help people. She wanted to motivate them and help them transform their lives, even from being a really little girl. She also wanted to be in a business even though she did not have any women role model in her family. Entrepreneurship seems like men vocation to her. However, that did not stop her from pursuing entrepreneurial path from a really young age. From the first business that she created at the age of 8, till her current multi million dollars coaching business created when she was 31 it took her many trials and errors. The game changed for Denise when she finally discovered that she needs to work on her money blocks, she deep dived into that area and reborn as a successful business woman who gracefully shares her knowledge and helps others to live their full life expression.
“In my twenties as well, I would start businesses, not be able to make money out of them, get bored and quit, probably until I was about in my early thirties. I was thinking – Maybe I can make money out of this - and you know what I did, I went – I think I have got some money blocks! – It finally hit me!”
Denise finally found the courage to do want she wanted to do. She finally started doing something that was her true passion and decided to just help women transform their lives, just to see where it will take her. Even though the fear was immediate and in her opinion that is what stops people right at the start of their journeys. She was terrified about other people opinions, about asking for money, setting boundaries with her clients, people thinking that she was a fraud or people thinking she was ripping people off…
She perused her dream and found a community of like-minded entrepreneurs as they are the people who saw her for what she really was doing! They understood her and they were in the game with her. Denise quoted Brene Brown:
“You cannot fear judgment from people who are not in the arena with you.”
When she reached for this type of communities she finally started to see behind the curtains of this world where women were creating their own reality, creating their own incomes and they were doing it by being authentic and helping people.
We agreed that our relationship with money is such overlooked area of spiritual development for women. Our relationship with money is such a huge area of power reclamation, just becoming whole as a human being.
“I see sometimes in this spiritual community that we contribute to this collective shame around money. We judge other women for charging for their gifts, we judge what they charge, what they offer, how they are doing it and we perpetuated. It has to come from us and our communities, it is not going to come from the world of men giving us permission to earn more.”
Some of the top money blocks that people deal with are:
“I have to work really, really hard for the money.”
“I have to sacrifice.”
“If I am not working, I am not deserving.”
“I am not worthy.”
“It is not fear for me to make money.”
“You have to choose between helping people and making money.”
Despite all beliefs above Denise encourages us to work on our money blocks, as there is the light on the end of that tunnel. Even though it is scary at the beginning and you are not ever finished with your money work it becomes easier with the time and you open a space for yourself to approach this challenge from the place of curiosity and not from the place of fear and lack.
We are really the first generation of women doing this, as compared with generations and generation past, who were not aware that they could create their own reality and with this knowledge, we need to be aware that our daughters are watching us right now and that they are learning and picking up their future money blocks. It is a big responsibility on us. However, it is something that we can overcome mindfully. The main focus for Denise is to make sure that her children see her as a woman that has a really passionate relationship with her goals and dreams.
It is not strange that Denise seeks to be an inspiration for her children as her result in Your Truth Selfie quiz (www.yourtrueselfie.com) is Inspiration! She is someone who has a big reach and big impact in the world, however at the moment she is finding her voice to speak up about what is happening in the world. She is still in a process of stepping into her truth and Your Truth Selfie quiz reminded her that she is getting to mastery in some areas in her life and she is definitely novas in other areas. Denise is demonstrating again how she is able to hold the high and the low and not ride the roller coaster but maintaining this humbled state of beginners mind, always beginning, always staying fresh and this is such a core spiritual principle that we need to implement in our lives.
This interview was such a great experience. Denise shows us that entrepreneurial path is not always easy. From her first online course that had only one participant, till nowadays when she has over 4000 people on her program. She also teaches us about the power of optimistic attitude, desire and unwavering faith in your true life mission.
Lessons to learn from this episode:
If you enjoyed this interview please give us a five-star rating and a review, and tell your friends about us! Check out bonus materials on hersuccessradio.com Make sure to subscribe on iTunes so you do not miss their answers on new episodes.
Here's to your success without sacrifice!
xx
Valerie
Fearless and loving path of a peaceful warrior with Dr. Avis Jones-Deweever
Glorious alignment with once vision and mission. Stunning approach to race and justice and, race and gender issues. In the service of healing and restoring unity.
In this episode, we have a remarkable guest, whose mission I admire and love. Dr. Avis Jones-Deweever is a career reinvention strategist, diversity and inclusion solutionist, and race and gender empowerment expert. She is the author of the award winning book “How Exceptional Black Women Lead” as well as the founder and CEO of Exceptional Leadership Institute for Women. A global personal and professional development firm that helps established and aspiring entrepreneurs and executives experience accelerating success while building a holistic life they love.
In this interview, we cover her personal journey. From open-minded and curious little girl that provoked change in her church. Through years of watching and learning about racism as a person with a dark skin tone. Going through divorce and finding herself whiten unfriendly working environment, which on the end pushed her into her entrepreneurial path.
On my question about her own healing path, she answers that it is an evolutionary thing for her. She also emphasizes the importance of healing on the national level and points out that the United States never undergo through any kind of reconciliation process.
“We do not really teach a full and round, and brought the reality of our history in school systems and all of that creates sort of toxic environment where people fail to acknowledge realities that other people face who are not like them. That creates a very difficult barrier for people to push tough. Until that cultural predisposition is ended I do not understand how we will ever reach a place of healing in this nation, not only personally but nationally.”
She also questions America’s grand idea of individualism. Aldo, it brings a sense of personal power and responsibility, on the other hand with so many individually focused people we have lost a feeling of brother compassion for people that experience world differently than us.
“Honestly, it is a big cultural revolution that we have to undergo as a nation in order to think beyond individual and to make it a little bit more communal, and think a little bit more sort of sympathetically and empathetically, and include all of us. Focusing on commonalities as a human race without erasing the fact that we have different experiences and different histories, those need to be acknowledged and accepted as well.”
We also talked about the pressure that black women face while climbing corporate ladder. Intense fear of failing as it potentially can shut down opportunity window for next colored woman due to common generalization. This is the topic which Shonda Rhimes covers in her book “Year of Yes”. Faced with this obstacle black women fortunately nowadays embrace the entrepreneurial journey. Dr. Davis mission is to convince them to trust that they have within them all that they need to even excel where they are today and to bring confidence in their lives. As one of the women from her book stated:
Confidence is not knowing that you have all the answers, it is not believing that you know everything. Confidence is trusting that you have the ability to figure it out!
Dr. Avis’s superpower is Inspiration.
” I was inspirational. It is just wonderful to be able to live a life where you know that you are living on your purpose on this Earth and you are able to create the life and lifestyle that you deserve and want for your family and for your legacy. I just think it is a beautiful experience and it starts with trusting in you.”
The Your Truth Selfie quiz indicated that perhaps she was undervaluing some of the things that she did by which Avid was amazed as she recently recognized success blocks in this area of her life. Reclamation of the value of our work is so tied into our reclamation of self-worth. And refusing it to be dictated by the outside opinions or forces of any kind and undoing that internalized conditioning.
Lastly, we had an amazing discussion about realistic thinking. Recognizing it as a huge success block. Her take on this topic blows me away!
“The word realistic gives you an excuse to operate under your capabilities. It just gives you an easy out. You are the architect of your boundaries, and if you want to set it small by convincing yourself that something is not realistic, than you just created an invisible barrier that was not there until you put it there. ”
I just love all pearls of wisdom that she sprinkled all over this interview. Thank you Dr. Avid!
Dr. Jones-Deweever has a giveaway for you too! She has created Carrier Vision and Action Guide that you can download. It is a tool to help you to really write out what their career goals are and plot a path to help them get there. For more information about Avid and her work you can visit her site ExceptionalLeadershipInstitute.com
If you enjoyed this interview please give us a five-star rating and a review, and tell your friends about us! Check out bonus materials on hersuccessradio.com Find out what amazing guest will be appearing on the show soon and post your questions for them in a comment section. Make sure to subscribe on iTunes so you do not miss their answers on new episodes.
Lessons to learn from this episode:
I look forward to connecting with you soon!
Until then,
Stay in your heart.
xx
Valerie
An inspiring tale of success, mission, and trust. Emphasizing the importance of curiosity and vulnerability. Stepping into our own greatness and fulfilling one's life purpose.
Melinda beautifully describes a process of freeing oneself from employ mentality and embracing leadership. She shares with us step by step system for following our passion, tuning into our mission and creating a successful business. I was stunned by her evolved spiritual outlook on an entrepreneurial journey, embracing it all as research and guidance, as she said: “It is all research moving us toward a greater version of ourselves and our dreams.”
We share a wonderful moment in which she recalls the event when she was guided to take her entrepreneurial path.
“I could feel with all my body that this was a calling that was emerging and I better pay attention. I heard in that moment - Now you will do the same for others. You will help them eliminate burdens and distractions so they can live their God given potential. -”
In 2004 she created thriving profitable coaching business, but she saw most start up coaches struggling to enjoy their passion for coaching and not making money at it, because they were distracted and overwhelmed by the behind the scenes burdens of their business. That was when she created The Coaches Console, the all in one business management technology for coaches. She makes opportunity for them to do the work they love and help them with all the business stuff that they do not like as much and she just happened to love it. Melinda has worked with thousands of coaches around the world and is here to share her wisdom with us.
She shares with us her story of how she created thriving profitable coaching business with zero experience. We cover everything, from villains of vulnerability, hectic states of mess and, fears and anxieties that appear with rising success.
I am so grateful that Melinda openly shared the truth that lies behind the scenes of the successful business. We also talk about the importance of community and connection, as entrepreneurial path often can be lonely and isolated. She encourages us to build our network, so we have someone to remind us of our truth in challenging moments.
“Stay connected! Be connected with mentors, be connected with like-minded communities, we cannot do this on our own. It is way bigger than us and we can lean into our sisters, we can lean into our community, we can lean into our mentors and borrow their courage when we cannot locate ours on a one day. They will help us and remind us of what we know, or tools that we have at our fingertips to navigate through those doubts and fears.”
I was so happy to hear that Melinda enjoyed Your truth selfie quiz. The quiz shows you your super powers and areas where you are reclaiming your true gifts. It shows you your success blocks and also your success gateway. For Melinda, as you will hear in this episode, it is an inspiration, that is where she dances, that is where she dwells, this is hers super power and the challenges come up in that same territory. You will find some tools, right there in your quiz results on how to navigate through strengths and challenges of your super power. So I hope Your truth selfie will serve you too. Feel free to check it out and share your results with me!
Melinda was so generous and shared with us Ultimate coaching business blueprint. It is a free resource for getting organized behind the scenes and it is made to equip you so that you are an amazing business owner and you can do more of what you love! In it you have everything you need to have behind the scenes of your business organized, it contains all the parts and pieces grouped into seven best practices for what it takes to run your business. It is like well-oiled machine that will position you to really get consistent, grow your list, get clients, and generate the revenue that you want to generate on regular basis!
Thank you so much, Melinda!
What a deep conversation, I am sure I will be listening to it again and processing it. If you liked this episode as much as I do, please share it with another woman entrepreneur or somebody who is stuck in her job and you know that she is bigger than that and you want to share it with her to give her curate to take the entrepreneurial leap.
Lessons from this episode:
I look forward to connecting with you soon!
Until then,
Stay in your heart.
xx
Valerie
Key words: Inspiration, success, mission, trust, curiosity, vulnerability, greatness, life purpose, passion, entrepreneurial journey, business, guidance.
Skinny does not equal happy:
How to shed shame, boost your confidence, and bring your full self to life
She was cast as a hippo in a ballet. She spent years chasing the body ideal that was unhealthy and unsustainable. Elyse shares what she learned on her journey as a dancer and fitness instructor about overcoming body shame, boosting confidence, and bringing her full self to life.
"The message that happy equals skinny was so ingrained in me," Elyse said.
Her mom has been on every diet, from the grapefruit diet to the carrot diet. Her grandma would look at Elyse when she was super skinny and light up: "You look skinny!" And when she didn't look super skinny, she would day, "You look... healthy."
When her grandma got tongue cancer and had only 1/3 of her tongue left and lost a ton of weight, she said: "It's the best thing that happened to me. I'm finally at my ideal weight."
Elyse has been a dancer since age 3. Leotards. Type casting for parts in a ballet about animals. She was cast as a hippo. She was not overweight, but she was curvier than other girls. She remembers that moment, looking around the room from inside the hippo costume... She remembers "a deep feeling of shame... Almost like everyone in the room knew something about me that I didn't know."
Her story brought up a memory for me. I was in a school gym class... Maybe I was 10, or 11, or 12... Looking around at all these naturally skinny girls in shorts. I was embarrassed to wear shorts. I felt my thighs were too big.
I was not overweight, but I wasn't super skinny. I remember sitting there on a gym wooden bench, uncomfortable in shorts, looking down at my inner thighs, lifting them off the bench and pressing them together, so they would appear thinner. When no one was looking, I would pinch and pull on the flesh, wishing it would go away, magically disappear, so I too would have the holy grail of a thigh gap... It was a deep desire, from the bottom of a child's heart.
Have you ever felt body shame? Have you ever judged another woman for the way she looked? (Maybe not out loud, but in your mind?) Have you ever judged yourself for not having "the right" kind of body? Have you ever judged yourself for judging other women?
Gawd it's been so messed up, growing up a girl in this f---ed up patriarchy.
Seriously.
So much healing for us to do.
Speaking of healing, in this episode, I share about my experience at Mama Gena's (www.mamagenas.com) Mastery weekend in NYC. If you don't know Mama Gena, give yourself the exquisite pleasure of discovering her blog and her books, and The Womanly Arts Experience. It will change your life. It has changed mine.
Tune in and hear all about it.
Along with Elyse's story of healing her own body shame, getting off the treadmill of that "body ideal" that she could never realistically maintain, and reclaiming her health, her beauty, her vitality... And her tips on how you too can bring your full self to life.
Oh, the sweet feeling of shedding the shame and feeling comfortable and joyful in your body!
Links and Resources:
Visit her website www.elysesparkes.com
Discover your Fast Track to Fit & Flexible www.elysesparkes.com/fasttrack
Learn how to create an effective at-home workout routine you’ll love (and want to stick to) with Mindful Fitness Coach, Elyse Sparkes.
Throughout this 2 week course you’re going to easily start working out at home, build strength, endurance + flexibility, and boost your confidence so you can be on the fast track to feeling great in your body and your mind.
Instagram: @elysesparkes
Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/elysesparkes.ignitehealth
Did you enjoy the show? Let us know your biggest takeaways in the comments.
If you like what we’re doing, please subscribe to #InChargeShow in iTunes and leave us a review and a 5-star rating, to help more women who won’t settle find us.
Follow the links to take the quizzes we discussed on the show:
www.yourtrueselfie.com
www.inchargequiz.com
In the free report at the end of each quiz, you’ll get an invitation to join our Facebook community. I hope you accept it.
I look forward to connecting with you soon!
Until then,
Stay in your heart.
xx
Valerie
In this episode, we talk about: body shame, skinny, happy, dance, body, weight watchers, anorexia, eating disorder, mindfulness, fitness, joy, workout, full self, deep listening, embodiment, confidence, mind, feel great, women, patriarchy, entrepreneur
Skinny does not equal happy:
How to shed shame, boost your confidence, and bring your full self to life
She was cast as a hippo in a ballet. She spent years chasing the body ideal that was unhealthy and unsustainable. Elyse shares what she learned on her journey as a dancer and fitness instructor about overcoming body shame, boosting confidence, and bringing her full self to life.
"The message that happy equals skinny was so ingrained in me," Elyse said.
Her mom has been on every diet, from the grapefruit diet to the carrot diet. Her grandma would look at Elyse when she was super skinny and light up: "You look skinny!" And when she didn't look super skinny, she would day, "You look... healthy."
When her grandma got tongue cancer and had only 1/3 of her tongue left and lost a ton of weight, she said: "It's the best thing that happened to me. I'm finally at my ideal weight."
Elyse has been a dancer since age 3. Leotards. Type casting for parts in a ballet about animals. She was cast as a hippo. She was not overweight, but she was curvier than other girls. She remembers that moment, looking around the room from inside the hippo costume... She remembers "a deep feeling of shame... Almost like everyone in the room knew something about me that I didn't know."
Her story brought up a memory for me. I was in a school gym class... Maybe I was 10, or 11, or 12... Looking around at all these naturally skinny girls in shorts. I was embarrassed to wear shorts. I felt my thighs were too big.
I was not overweight, but I wasn't super skinny. I remember sitting there on a gym wooden bench, uncomfortable in shorts, looking down at my inner thighs, lifting them off the bench and pressing them together, so they would appear thinner. When no one was looking, I would pinch and pull on the flesh, wishing it would go away, magically disappear, so I too would have the holy grail of a thigh gap... It was a deep desire, from the bottom of a child's heart.
Have you ever felt body shame? Have you ever judged another woman for the way she looked? (Maybe not out loud, but in your mind?) Have you ever judged yourself for not having "the right" kind of body? Have you ever judged yourself for judging other women?
Gawd it's been so messed up, growing up a girl in this f---ed up patriarchy.
Seriously.
So much healing for us to do.
Speaking of healing, in this episode, I share about my experience at Mama Gena's (www.mamagenas.com) Mastery weekend in NYC. If you don't know Mama Gena, give yourself the exquisite pleasure of discovering her blog and her books, and The Womanly Arts Experience. It will change your life. It has changed mine.
Tune in and hear all about it.
Along with Elyse's story of healing her own body shame, getting off the treadmill of that "body ideal" that she could never realistically maintain, and reclaiming her health, her beauty, her vitality... And her tips on how you too can bring your full self to life.
Oh, the sweet feeling of shedding the shame and feeling comfortable and joyful in your body!
Links and Resources:
Visit her website www.elysesparkes.com
Discover your Fast Track to Fit & Flexible www.elysesparkes.com/fasttrack
Learn how to create an effective at-home workout routine you’ll love (and want to stick to) with Mindful Fitness Coach, Elyse Sparkes.
Throughout this 2 week course you’re going to easily start working out at home, build strength, endurance + flexibility, and boost your confidence so you can be on the fast track to feeling great in your body and your mind.
Instagram: @elysesparkes
Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/elysesparkes.ignitehealth
Did you enjoy the show? Let us know your biggest takeaways in the comments.
If you like what we’re doing, please subscribe to #InChargeShow in iTunes and leave us a review and a 5-star rating, to help more women who won’t settle find us.
Follow the links to take the quizzes we discussed on the show:
www.yourtrueselfie.com
www.inchargequiz.com
In the free report at the end of each quiz, you’ll get an invitation to join our Facebook community. I hope you accept it.
I look forward to connecting with you soon!
Until then,
Stay in your heart.
xx
Valerie
In this episode, we talk about: body shame, skinny, happy, dance, body, weight watchers, anorexia, eating disorder, mindfulness, fitness, joy, workout, full self, deep listening, embodiment, confidence, mind, feel great, women, patriarchy, entrepreneur
Skinny does not equal happy:
How to shed shame, boost your confidence, and bring your full self to life
She was cast as a hippo in a ballet. She spent years chasing the body ideal that was unhealthy and unsustainable. Elyse shares what she learned on her journey as a dancer and fitness instructor about overcoming body shame, boosting confidence, and bringing her full self to life.
"The message that happy equals skinny was so ingrained in me," Elyse said.
Her mom has been on every diet, from the grapefruit diet to the carrot diet. Her grandma would look at Elyse when she was super skinny and light up: "You look skinny!" And when she didn't look super skinny, she would day, "You look... healthy."
When her grandma got tongue cancer and had only 1/3 of her tongue left and lost a ton of weight, she said: "It's the best thing that happened to me. I'm finally at my ideal weight."
Elyse has been a dancer since age 3. Leotards. Type casting for parts in a ballet about animals. She was cast as a hippo. She was not overweight, but she was curvier than other girls. She remembers that moment, looking around the room from inside the hippo costume... She remembers "a deep feeling of shame... Almost like everyone in the room knew something about me that I didn't know."
Her story brought up a memory for me. I was in a school gym class... Maybe I was 10, or 11, or 12... Looking around at all these naturally skinny girls in shorts. I was embarrassed to wear shorts. I felt my thighs were too big.
I was not overweight, but I wasn't super skinny. I remember sitting there on a gym wooden bench, uncomfortable in shorts, looking down at my inner thighs, lifting them off the bench and pressing them together, so they would appear thinner. When no one was looking, I would pinch and pull on the flesh, wishing it would go away, magically disappear, so I too would have the holy grail of a thigh gap... It was a deep desire, from the bottom of a child's heart.
Have you ever felt body shame? Have you ever judged another woman for the way she looked? (Maybe not out loud, but in your mind?) Have you ever judged yourself for not having "the right" kind of body? Have you ever judged yourself for judging other women?
Gawd it's been so messed up, growing up a girl in this f---ed up patriarchy.
Seriously.
So much healing for us to do.
Speaking of healing, in this episode, I share about my experience at Mama Gena's (www.mamagenas.com) Mastery weekend in NYC. If you don't know Mama Gena, give yourself the exquisite pleasure of discovering her blog and her books, and The Womanly Arts Experience. It will change your life. It has changed mine.
Tune in and hear all about it.
Along with Elyse's story of healing her own body shame, getting off the treadmill of that "body ideal" that she could never realistically maintain, and reclaiming her health, her beauty, her vitality... And her tips on how you too can bring your full self to life.
Oh, the sweet feeling of shedding the shame and feeling comfortable and joyful in your body!
Links and Resources:
Visit her website www.elysesparkes.com
Discover your Fast Track to Fit & Flexible www.elysesparkes.com/fasttrack
Learn how to create an effective at-home workout routine you’ll love (and want to stick to) with Mindful Fitness Coach, Elyse Sparkes.
Throughout this 2 week course you’re going to easily start working out at home, build strength, endurance + flexibility, and boost your confidence so you can be on the fast track to feeling great in your body and your mind.
Instagram: @elysesparkes
Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/elysesparkes.ignitehealth
Did you enjoy the show? Let us know your biggest takeaways in the comments.
If you like what we’re doing, please subscribe to #InChargeShow in iTunes and leave us a review and a 5-star rating, to help more women who won’t settle find us.
Follow the links to take the quizzes we discussed on the show:
www.yourtrueselfie.com
www.inchargequiz.com
In the free report at the end of each quiz, you’ll get an invitation to join our Facebook community. I hope you accept it.
I look forward to connecting with you soon!
Until then,
Stay in your heart.
xx
Valerie
In this episode, we talk about: body shame, skinny, happy, dance, body, weight watchers, anorexia, eating disorder, mindfulness, fitness, joy, workout, full self, deep listening, embodiment, confidence, mind, feel great, women, patriarchy, entrepreneur
Embodied and Empowered, with Angelina Lombardo
Listening to the body to find healing, purpose, and liberation
Angelina: Absolutely. That's definitely where the liberation lied for me going in. The body actually was an important role in the diagnosis. The diagnosis was for my body. My body had this illness. Where did I take that? What I had known before was that I was trying to live an authentic life, that I thought that being on the path of trying to develop myself. I believed I was doing the best that I can and I was. I absolutely was, but then the body comes into play, and because it had gone through so much trauma in the past there was a true disconnection.
Through that process I was able to come back together with the body, because I know that for me my body tells me everything. That's where that liberation for me, the anxiety where that lives in my body. What story does that tell me? Each day is different, so not getting it right is really important. Every day is about being right there.
VB: Yeah. Thank you for sharing that. It takes a lot of wisdom to listen to your body. Of course with trauma this disconnection that you're talking about, yes that's what happens. The body is no longer safe to be in, so of course we flee. People think about trauma, a lot of people think about trauma like something, only something life threatening and huge.
I just want to communicate to all listening right now that there could be so many little traumas that you may not even remember, but your body remembers. Your body doesn't forget anything, and so when you find yourself anxious, when you find yourself hesitating before putting yourself out there in any way check in with your body with a lot of love and compassion.
Listen to that voice, listen where that anxious energy is, because it's trying to protect you from something that it's perceiving as dangerous. When we listen to the body it will tell us what we need to know. I would love to hear from you Angelina, what is your process of tapping into your body wisdom?
Angelina: You know there's not just one process. I know I actually went through several modalities during the process of healing. I think on a daily basis I would say breath is huge for me, and grounding my feet, legs. As we did before this interview is really my starting point to any moment I'm trying to connect to that, because for me like you said the body ... From a very young age my body was not safe to be in. I lived unembodied for a lack of better words, for most of my life. I work everyday on being embodied in everything that I do as a human being.
Instead of trying to enlighten and leave this planet, I'm here, I'm human, and I am spending everyday bringing myself back into my body. The breath and the grounding always is my first place to start. From there I'll listen. What do I need? Sometimes I need water, sometimes I need sound, sometimes I need essential oils, sometimes I need another voice, sometimes I need to speak my truth. I need voice, I need to be seen and heard. It's different, but that's the first place is that. Is the breath.
VB: I love it.
Angelina: Body scan.
VB: Breath. Checking in with your breath, connecting with your breathing, feeling your feet on the ground, and then scanning your body to see ...
Angelina: What it wants.
VB: To listen yeah. What my body needs right now. I love this respectful honoring attitude that you bring into the process.
Angelina: I believe really it's an integral part of being a human being.
VB: Yes. What you said, although people who are on the spiritual path we're all aware that we are spiritual beings having a human experience. It is so important that the human experience is in the body. It is through the body that we have it. Yeah. Some spiritual practices may bypass the body.
Angelina: Absolutely, absolutely.
VB: They situate in the mind, and that is so dangerous. I would even go as far as saying with some unfortunate situations with spiritual communities where abuse happened and unethical things happened, I would venture to theorize that it was because people were disconnected. The leaders were disconnected from their bodies, and they could not have an ethical relationship with the followers unless they were fully embodied. That's my take on that.
Angelina: Yeah, yeah. Well you know in trying to heal myself from a very young age I knew that I was in trouble. That was one of the places that I searched for, were other people, safe places. A lot of times those safe places just kept me very in my head with my mind. That's kind of how I worked my ... That's how I survived my life was thinking, and being on my toes, and responding. A chameleon. What does my environment need from me, and that's what I would do.
It would come from my chin to the top of my head. That's where it would happen, that process. I was never able to drop in, they were always giving me messages like we need to be enlightened. This is what we're doing on the planet is for love, compassion. It never recognized the human experience or the darker parts of what that was. It never allowed for me to be in the seat of that dark night at the soul, so to speak, even though I was already there on a continuous basis. It was a little ... It was great, because I obviously was able to see what was going on there and make the shifts.
Yeah, I agree sometimes those can be ... How do you say? It could prolong or cause ... Actually it caused more, it put more on top of what I already was carrying.
VB: Yeah. I have to agree with you there. There's a lot of secondary trauma that can happen.
Angelina: That’s it. That's it right there. Also therapy.
VB: I was just about to say, you took the words right out of my mouth. As a therapist myself and having been in therapy for years with different therapists I grew to recognize that, but I only grew to recognize it once I began learning from and practicing bringing together the mind, the body, and the spirit. Learning from the Pioneers of the integration models. Traditional therapy is completely disembodied. When I learned about therapy in both my masters and my PhD, well my PhD was different, but my Masters’ program at Columbia. The only time the body was mentioned kind of by implication was when they told us not to sleep with our clients.
<both laughing>
…
Did you enjoy the show? Let us know your biggest takeaways in the comments.
If you like what we’re doing, please subscribe to #InChargeShow in iTunes and leave us a review and a 5-star rating, to help more women who won’t settle find us.
Follow the links to take the quizzes we discussed on the show:
www.yourtrueselfie.com
www.inchargequiz.com
In the free report at the end of each quiz, you’ll get an invitation to join our Facebook community. I hope you accept it.
I look forward to connecting with you soon!
Until then,
Stay in your heart.
xx
Valerie
In this episode, we talk about: trauma, coaching, therapy, embodiment, anxiety, healing, women entrepreneurs, success, body, illness, liberation
Led to success, with Michelle Bridger
Spiritual practice for vision, clarity, purpose, and winning business decisions
How did you begin to discover your special gifts, your superpowers that ultimately fed into the business you created?
I think it was more that they were revealed. I really struggled with believing the lies that I'm not capable.
That was a big one for me. Feeling like I didn't have a lot to offer. It's been such a gift to be able to land in a place where I can see that I am capable, I have much to offer, I'm highly sought after. It's really been such a gift, but it is through that asking. I would go on those walks and be able to say, "I don't even know what I'd be good at. Show me what skills I have, show me how I was made, show me ... " Yeah, "Just show me what skills I have, show me what I'd be good at." I just didn't even really know.
I knew certain things, like I've always been really tenacious, I've always been a good researcher. I've always showed great initiative. I've always been really good at follow-through. There's certain things that I knew that I had, but in the bigger picture… to run a business… I wouldn't even had known where to start in the business. It was really through the process of asking, layer upon layer, that I was able to start seeing that what a gift being able to land in advertising field was and that I'm able to see things maybe that other people or ... that people appreciate is probably a good way to say it about what will work in advertising. What won't work. What to try. What not to try. And cut through the clutter of that. Does that answer your question?
Yes. Thank you. Again, asking, right? Asking and trusting what you're receiving. I know there are so many tools people use to find out about this strengths. There is the Strength Finder test, there are a lot of psychological assessments. Some people recommend asking people who know you very well to tell you what you're good at. These are all valid data collection tools, but I feel that the spiritual vehicle that you are describing, it just goes further. Even people who know you, and certainly the tests, they may be missing something, because they've known you up to now, but there is a bigger vision for you. Your life has a bigger vision for you, or God, in whatever way you conceive of that, and to tap into that bigger vision, we need a spiritual vehicle. Other people don't know that and certainly psychological or aptitude tests don't know anything about our bigger vision. All they measure is how to date we have been showing up in the world. There are so many ways in which we have not revealed our capacities and our greatness in particular areas. They're just waiting.
They're waiting, they're like little buds on trees waiting to blossom and sometimes invisible when you're asking for them to be revealed to you. This is so powerful. You're trusting it and then that self-talk, those lies, as you've called them, the lies about your own inaptitude and that, "Who do you think you are?" And, "You're not good at that," and, "You have nothing of value." Those lies get washed away, because it's the source that’s speaking to you. The source is not going to lie, it's not going to mislead you. In a sense, that's also a confidence fix right there and then, wouldn't you say so?
I would say do, yes. I loved the analogy that you used about the buds that there's hidden gems within all of us that we don't even know. What a shame it would be if that bud never opened.
I ask the same thing from my kids, reveal to them and to others what they're good at, because so often we think we're not good at very many things and we wouldn't want those buds to stay dormant and never be revealed. That would be such a loss.
It’s so important to stay attuned to the movements of energy within that want to push those buds open.
We can't block that and if we do, if we attempt to block that, then there are consequences that are difficult because life needs to find a way to bring us face to face with our gifts, regardless, so it's going to find a way. Sometimes it does take something devastating and life-altering, like a divorce or a health crisis. I see it a lot in the people I work with on the journey of transformation because they get on the journey, as you said, out of desperation. Desperation is such a powerful place.
Resources:
Visit Michelle’s website www.michellebridger.com
Claim your free gift at www.michellesfreegift.com
Get in touch with Michelle at michelle@michellebridger.com
Did you enjoy the show? Let us know your biggest takeaways in the comments.
If you like what we’re doing, please subscribe to #InChargeShow in iTunes and leave us a review and a 5-star rating, to help more women who won’t settle find us.
Follow the links to take the quizzes we discussed on the show:
www.yourtrueselfie.com
www.inchargequiz.com
In the free report at the end of each quiz, you’ll get an invitation to join our Facebook community. I hope you accept it.
I look forward to connecting with you soon!
Until then,
Stay in your heart.
xx
Valerie
In this episode, we talk about: God, Facebook, divorce, successful, mompreneur, entrepreneur, mom, business owner, building a business, Christian, success, spiritual, practice, vision, clarity, purpose, winning, making decisions
Gratitude through trauma, with Melissa Binkley
Create a masterpiece from the mess of your life
After trauma, do you sink into the darkness of shame, self-hate, and self-destruction? Or do you reclaim your gifts, start a movement, and become a channel for healing and empowerment? Melissa has traveled both paths. May her story of transformation empower your journey.
Breakdown before the breakthrough
How did your journey begin?
In 2009 everything started to fall apart.
The big breakdown before the breakthrough.
I lost my home, my partner, and my job.
All within a six month time period.
I ended up homeless.
I would live in my car or stay at people’s places and not really explain what was going on.
I was melting on the inside.
Things were falling apart.
I was dealing with former eating disorders and drug issues.
My body was in this place of complete and utter shutdown.
My health was going. I didn’t have a place to live. I didn’t have a job.
I dropped to my knees and I was like, “What’s the answer here? What am I missing?”
Everybody talks about that moment, that quietness, that peace that happens to them. That happened to me in 2009.
I had a friend who came and picked me up from a night of excessive drinking and took me to her house.
I woke up the next morning and I had this level peace.
I went from being distraught and mind blown and crying.
To two days of absolute nothingness.
At the time I asked her “What the hell did you do to me?”
She was like, “I just did some work on you to take you out of that space.”
She was my first spiritual guide.
Pulling down the veil of the mirror to stand tall
I started in on this journey of healing and transforming my life and working on loving my body.
I first went to heal my body physically.
But as I started getting healthy in my body I didn’t like what I saw in the mirror.
I had spent years being really thin.
I had been judging myself so much on my outer appearance and found out it was really connected to my inner soul.
There has been such a war on the female body. We were sanctioned from showing skin and wearing certain kinds of clothes. Can you talk a little more of how you transformed your relationship with your body? What was your journey of becoming friends and lovers with your body, as opposed to being at war with yourself?
I was raped in 1994.
I believe that we are allowed to show our skin but it is not giving us any more freedom than the women who are completely covered, at all.
That was a piece of my reclamation and being asked, “What were you wearing?”
It was a brutal rape.
I was locked in a garage.
And had to fight for my right to say: “I was doing nothing wrong."
I was wearing a basketball jersey and jeans.
I had to reclaim it for myself and say “my body, my vagina, everything is okay with me."
I have a right to be empowered with that.
I love to be naked but it was for a long time that I just wanted to cover up.
I literally had to pull down the veil of the mirror.
I had to look at myself in the mirror everyday and say, “I love you."
And touch my body and caress it.
Even the pieces of me that weren’t ‘beautiful’ as what I thought society thought was ‘beautiful’, saying “I love that piece of you."
The stretch marks from having my baby.
I used to hide in the corner. I didn’t want to be seen. I wanted to be small.
To learning to take that power pose, and throwing my shoulders back and being proud of the height that I was.
It started with self-love.
It started with looking myself in the mirror and saying “I love you."
And then it started working on the soul piece, that I am just not my body.
My body is a tool that I am using in this lifetime to learn things, but it is not who I am.
I was a dissociator. I would literally escape my body to get out of situations. If I thought I was going to get hurt or emotions started to come up I would checkout.
I had to learn to ground into it and take care of it on a health level that honors it.
Rebelling as a means to heal
How did you go from slouching and wanting to disappear to showing up and standing tall?
For me it started out as a rebellion.
I was like, “You told me I have to be this way, you told me that this is the way it is going to be, and I refuse to accept this anymore."
And that’s where the tattoos came from, and the piercings, and the hair.
It was me stepping out and rebelling against society, saying “I am tired of being told I have to do things your way… I’m not afraid to use my voice and if you don’t like me I don’t care, I have enough friends anyway… I don’t need you to like me, for me to stand true to who I am.”
I used that hard exterior as a way to work on healing the inside.
Brain bliss
Would you talk about your process and how this healing comes through you?
Some of the things that you really want to be focused on when you’re working on healing yourself is what my client has termed “Brain Bliss."
Meditation. Three minutes of peace.
Understanding the duality, the disconnect from where we at right now.
Not just about silencing the brain but connecting to a higher source and something deeper.
The only way to do that is to work on deepening our connection to spirit.
One of the processes that I use with my clients when it comes to healing is if you have somebody in your life that you have not forgiven writing a letter to that person.
Then you take it and burn it, or you rip it up.
And you keep doing that day in and day out.
I’ve seen it can take at the most 12 days to really transform the way that you experience that person and everything that is connected to them.
It works in such a powerful way.
The journey to gratitude
You would not be who you are today had you not experienced what you experienced and had you not done the healing that you have done.
It was definitely a journey.
I call it Gratitude Through Trauma.
In March of last year I went back to my hometown for the first time in 13 years.
Thirteen years prior to that I drove into my hometown and I drove past the place where I had been raped. I was a drug dealer at the time, I was unhealthy, I was in a really bad mindset. I drove past the place and I was like “F*** this."
Fast forward thirteen years later, my daughter is running track at my old high school.
I drive to this town. I drive past the exact same spot again. I stopped the car in the middle of the road and I turned off the engine. I literally got tears in my eyes and I said “Thank you."
I would not be where I am today if that had not happened to me.
It changed everything for me.
My basketball coach back in the day, who was the only person that stood for me, now 20 years later he’s at this meet.
I walk up and give him a hug and I get the opportunity to tell him how much I love him.
Gratitude I had for him. Gratitude for that situation. Gratitude for all of it.
You may not find the gratitude right now, but when you get to that point, you know that you have transformed your life.
The blessings in disguise of the synchronicities of the universe
When you start paying attention, all the things you think are coincidences are the divine order of blessings stepping in, so you can find your path, so you can step into your truth.
The past summer I went to Europe with my daughter.
The day we got to this spiritual Eco society, my credit card was stolen.
I was only supposed to stay at this spiritual Eco society for five days.
It forced me to stay at this society.
In that, a book fell off the shelf that ended up changing my life.
I got readings and healings that completely transformed everything.
That is synchronicity and the way the universe works.
When you think something is a failure or something is bad, it is really not.
Look for the blessing and the bigger picture story of what is really happening in your life.
Using wisdom and intuition to heal
You took my quiz, Your True Selfie. [www.yourtrueselfie.com] I am dying to know what your result is and if it fits into your story of your life.
Wisdom. [www.yourtrueselfie.com]
What I have been told by my guides and what I am here to do, I am supposed to be a teacher.
They call me the “Great awakener."
I am here to shake things up and snap people out of their shit.
Wisdom for me is connecting and bringing in the wisdom from other dimensions and bringing it into this lifetime.
I am here to bridge the gap. Be the bridge to people who are on the other side. Bring in signs of spirituality and show that it is all connected.
Links and Resources:
**Mention that you heard her interview on Valerie’s podcast to receive a complimentary session from Melissa** (limited availability)
Visit her website: www.melissabinkley.com for a complimentary session, and to find out about the Intuitive Intelligence Academy or to schedule into virtual latte with Melissa
Follow her on Facebook and Instagram (@melissabinkley)
Did you enjoy the show? Let us know your biggest takeaways in the comments.
If you like what we’re doing, please subscribe to #InChargeShow in iTunes and leave us a review and a 5-star rating, to help more women who won’t settle find us.
Follow the links to take the quizzes we discussed on the show:
www.yourtrueselfie.com
www.inchargequiz.com
In the free report at the end of each quiz, you’ll get an invitation to join our Facebook community. I hope you accept it.
I look forward to connecting with you soon!
Until then,
Stay in your heart.
xx
Valerie
In this episode, we talk about: trauma, sexual, assault, rape, transformation, healing, drug, addiction, self-love, self-acceptance, body image, healthy, gratitude, confidence, business, success, empowerment, women
Quotes
“The big breakdown before the breakthrough.”
“I had been judging myself so much on my outer appearance and found out it was really connected to my inner soul.”
“I literally had to pull down the veil of the mirror. I had to look at myself in the mirror everyday and say I love you’.”
“My body is a tool that I am using in this lifetime to learn things, but it is not who I am.”
“I don’t need you to like me for me to stand true to who I am.”
“You may not find the gratitude right now, but when you get to that point you know that you have transformed your life.”
“When you start paying attention, all the things you think are coincidences are the divine order of blessings stepping in so you can find your path, so you can step into your truth.”
“When you think something is a failure or something is bad, it is really not. Look for the blessing and the bigger picture story of what is really happening in your life.”
My sexual orientation is that I like people, with Corrina Gordon-Barnes
The how of a dream relationship
Imagine if you said to your partner, “There’s nothing that you can do wrong. If I’m ever irritated with you, resentful of you, disappointed with you, that is 100% for me to resolve.” Find out more about Corrina’s radical approach to happy relationships, why it works, and what it takes.
The liberation of taking responsibility
How did you get to doing what you do now?
I got really really peaceful in my relationships.
I realized that this is really rare.
I broke through to this whole new level of peace where I said to my wife, “There is literally nothing that you can do that is wrong. If I’m ever irritated with you, resentful of you, disappointed with you, that is 100% for me to resolve.”
It doesn’t mean I don’t get triggered.
It means I have a very fast way of getting to peace.
It just takes one person.
It is hopeless to try and get the other person to change.
If Sam suddenly decides to give me exactly what I want, that is a bonus.
But it’s not required for me to be happy.
I have taken the responsibility and liberation on me.
Just take that responsibility yourself and give yourself what you want.
Detaching from the stories
What were some challenges on your own path that enabled you to go deeper?
I realized it’s just not going to work if I keep thinking I want and need something from her.
I’m just going to be disappointed, frustrated.
She is my soul mate.
I feel that we are meant to be together.
The core of our relationship is right.
How do you know that at the core your relationship is right? How are you so convinced?
When the stories are gone, there is just a silence in my head.
I had doubts over the years.
Doubts are the stories.
When I have worked my thoughts, I have taken a thought that has caused frustration or disappointment, asked whether it is true.
Is that what I need in order to be peaceful and happy in this relationship?
What would this moment with this beautiful woman be like without my story in the way?
Questioning the stories that build up.
They are just stories, they are not true.
Process to stillness
What does it take for you to get to the point where you can see the story from what it is and detach from it?
The very first stage is to actually have a rant.
Write down everything about your partner that you think is their fault.
Really get mean with this.
You have to get them on paper to see what you’re actually dealing with.
The next step is to find stillness.
I meditate.
Observe those thoughts and see that they are thoughts.
They are not facts. They are like these strings of words that appear in your mind.
Then you start to get that separation from them.
Be aware of where you are arguing for your pain.
People can tolerate huge amounts of pain if they think that is the only option.
When you start seeing that pain is not obligatory, if you can see that your thoughts are causing that pain then you can begin to move beyond that.
Giving away our power
I imagine you haven’t always been in this peaceful place. Can you share a little bit about the mistakes you made early on, maybe different relationships?
I had one significant relationship before Sam.
I looked to him for everything.
My world got very very small.
He was going to fulfill all my needs.
I didn’t need to stay connected to my friends.
I tuned everything out.
I made him everything.
I lost myself completely.
I didn’t have the self-love, so I was looking for it in him.
I definitely was not living my personal power.
I was a teenager.
I didn’t love myself.
I didn’t think I was amazing.
So when someone came along that seemed to love me, of course I was going to leap onto that horse and ride away into that subset.
There is no need to have needs
This whole idea of us having needs in itself is to be questioned.
I can take care of myself, love myself, be there for myself.
Anything my partner does is a bonus.
This is a thing I have really discovered, is how grateful I am.
When you acknowledge that you actually don’t have needs that have to be fulfilled by this person, then everything that they actually do for you is such a gift. It puts you in a place of appreciation, love and gratitude, as opposed to a place of expectation and disappointment.
We think we have needs, we think that our partner’s job is to meet those needs. They then don’t meet those needs because they are human, and then we feel frustrated, disappointed, bitter, and resentful.
I had a friend who said, “Expectations are premeditated resentments."
What if I went into a situation with no expectations?
There is no past to compare with, there is no future to compare with, there is no other person to compare with, there is no fictional wife or husband that I am comparing with.
Just seeing what is happening.
Just watch what is actually happening, rather than comparing it with the script.
That is what peace is, when you are just in yourself, not trying to change his world.
Accepting your authentic self
I understand that you identify as bisexual. Can you share a little bit about how this has been for you recognizing that your sexual orientation was not straight?
I was boy-mad in my teens.
I liked boys.
But I also liked girls.
Because I also liked boy, I thought, “I will just go out with boys. That’s just what you do,"
When I was in my 20s, I met Sam – my wife.
I just fell in love with her.
It was meant to be, soulmate, destiny.
We argued the very time we met.
We say we were annoyed at each other that we hadn’t met each other until then.
Gender was not relevant.
My sexual orientation is that I like people.
I have never had a problem with it.
It has always been easy for me.
I feel very grateful for that.
That is my vision, we don’t see gender so much.
We are just people. We all have these minds that project onto the people we are with.
Whether we are male or female or identify as a different gender, it is just humans trying to love humans the best we can.
Transcending assumptions
I remember the very first Valentine’s Day I got with Sam.
I went into the card shop. I could not find a card that did not have a man and a woman on the front of it.
I had no idea because until then all the cards I have ever bought were for men.
That’s when I realized it is not even people being prejudice that creates challenge.
It is when we make assumptions.
Being with Sam, people assume that I am gay. I say to them, “I am not gay, but my wife is,"
How do you find yourself living with these assumptions being imposed on you?
I experience it with a lot of love, compassion, and lightness.
People are innocent.
We believe what we believe.
I don’t think people want to hurt other people.
They just haven’t questioned certain thoughts, certain assumptions.
Being compassionate to your truth
Do you have any advice for people who are in the process of coming out right now?
My process if about questioning the thought.
The thought that would stop someone from coming out is, “They are going to reject me, they are not going to love me,"
Where am I doing that to myself?
Am I hating myself? Am I rejecting myself? Am I loving myself?
Finding peace with, this is who you are, this is your beautiful self.
This is your truth, and anything that is not your truth is going to feel off and wrong.
Our favorite tips from Corrina
Question your thoughts, “Is it true?”
Thoughts are not facts, they are just strings of words that come up in our mind.
Question the idea of having needs in relationships.
View what your partner does for you as a gift, as opposed to an expectation.
Let go of your relationship expectations, and instead be with your partner in that moment.
Find the magnificence in your partner and in that moment together.
Find peace in your authentic self.
Love and be compassionate to yourself.
Quotes
“I have taken the responsibility and liberation on me.”
“If we want to grow, we want all of it.”
“What am I living to get back into my personal power?”
“I can take care of myself, love myself, be there for myself, and then anything my partner does is a bonus on top of that.”
“When you start seeing that pain is not obligatory, if you can see that your thoughts are causing that pain then you can begin to move beyond that.”
“What if I went into a situation with no expectations? There is no past to compare with, there is no future to compare with, there is no other person to compare with, there is no fictional wife or husband that I am comparing with. I am just seeing what is happening.”
“That is my vision, we don’t see gender so much.”
“Whether we are male or female or identify as a different gender, it is just humans trying to love humans the best we can.”
“We believe what we believe. I don’t think people want to hurt other people. They just haven’t questioned certain thoughts, certain assumptions.”
“Anything that is not your truth is going to feel off and wrong.”
Resources and Links:
Visit her website: www.corrinagordonbarnes.com
Did you enjoy the show? Let us know your biggest takeaways in the comments.
If you like what we’re doing, please subscribe to #InChargeShow in iTunes and leave us a review and a 5-star rating, to help more women who won’t settle find us.
Follow the links to take the quizzes we discussed on the show:
www.yourtrueselfie.com
www.inchargequiz.com
In the free report at the end of each quiz, you’ll get an invitation to join our Facebook community. I hope you accept it.
I look forward to connecting with you soon!
Until then,
Stay in your heart.
xx
Valerie
In this episode, we talk about: woman, entrepreneur, relationship, bisexual, gay, lesbian, coming out, truth, marriage, happy, peaceful, love, wisdom, authentic, rules, liberation
What makes a successful entrepreneur, with Thembi Bheka
Creating a tsunami of wealth sharing
She came to Canada from Zimbabwe with $5 in her pocket. Now she’s a real estate investor and educator. Thembi’s view on what makes a successful entrepreneur: “Be okay with the fact that you just risked everything you have in life to take the next step." Do you agree? Listen to her interview and decide.
From poverty to perseverance
How did you get to do what you are doing now?
My background.
Where I came from there was poverty.
I left to leave the country.
I didn’t know anyone coming to Canada.
I came with $5 in my pocket.
I stayed at the YMCA for a month.
I wanted to give back, because I got so much in this country.
I told myself “As soon as I am able to do it, I will help other people like me and help other women who could be stuck in uncomfortable situations because of their financial status.”
That’s really what started everything for me.
Taking action
How did you go from having $5 in your pocket and living at the ‘Y’ to being in real estate?
I went to nursing school.
Just after I started working there, I realized that the nursing salary wasn’t enough for me to make an impact.
I came across an article in the newspaper, which said, “Get out of the rat race."
I attended an event based on that article.
I learned so much about real estate.
I learned that 90% millionaires become so through owning real estate.
I decided I was going to be one of them.
You have to take action.
One goal
Do you remember the day when your mortgage got approved for your first property?
It was 2008, in February.
It was a very happy moment.
It was a townhouse.
I still have it.
I went onto buy many properties after that, and renting out those properties.
I did not move into my house of my own until 2010.
To reach the next level, we have to put our needs on the side.
We need to put all the vacations to the side and see what we can do to reach that goal.
It’s about focusing on that one goal.
Just the one thing.
Impact as a measure for success
Your vision has always been empowering other people and giving back.
It is about helping the next people.
I believe that success is not measured by how much money you make. It is about how much you impact other people.
That is my philosophy.
That is what I live by.
Changing everybody’s lives everyday.
It’s not just about the money, it’s about what you can do with the money.
Squeezing in time for education
How was it for you juggling motherhood, educating yourself, and hunting for those properties?
I will be honest, it wasn’t easy.
But nothing in life is easy.
For the education part, I had a lot of CDs.
Every time we would travel, 4 – 5 hour drives, I would listen to that.
I could squeeze in time for education.
I ended up working night shifts, because I used to get longer breaks.
During that time that’s when I could study and research more about real estate.
I believe we have to sacrifice to achieve what we get.
Masterminds change your mindset
I imagine during those seven years you didn’t see the light?
Those moments would come where I am ready to quit, saying, “I am just going to back to work at the hospital. Forget this business thing. I just want to be like every other normal person."
That friend really helped a lot.
She would pitch in and say, “You can do it."
It is those moments when you have someone like that to help you with your mindset.
You need a mastermind or an accountability [partner].
It is not easy to be an entrepreneur.
The first few years are very tough.
I used shop at Valley Village for my clothing.
Because I couldn’t afford go into a regular store.
You need to save each and every penny.
Was it an easy journey? No.
Was it worth it? Absolutely!
Gaining inspiring work ethic
Were there entrepreneurs in your family before you?
My mom.
She used to go and sell fruits and vegetables on the street.
It wasn’t a real entrepreneur.
It was a survival mode kind-of-thing.
But I saw that in her.
That’s how she managed to pay our tuition and help us survive.
Gratitude
Having come such a long way, from Zimbabwe, when you look back and you look at yourself how have you changed?
Gratitude.
People in Canada have so much gratitude.
I think I learned a lot through that.
Sharing. To give to charity.
It is characteristics I didn’t grow up seeing because more people were lacking.
I came with nothing. I got furniture, I got clothes.
Not even knowing these people. They just gave it to me.
Just giving a stranger your furniture so they could have something to sleep on.
“I did not start giving because I have a lot of money. I started giving when I had nothing, when I was living from paycheck-to-paycheck.” That was Oprah.
It doesn’t start with having a million dollars in my bank account. It starts with having $5.
Paying it forward
What is the big vision behind your vision now?
I would like to get a lot of people, I mean a lot of people, to help other people.
For me alone I won’t be able to change the world. If I can impact many people to impact others then we would be able to change the world.
We would be able to eradicate poverty in Africa.
We would be able to make those big changes.
I started teaching people in Africa how to invest in real estate.
They can create wealth to impact others,
A tsunami of wealth sharing.
“When you first jump, your parachute will not open right away” – Steve Harvey
You have been so unstoppable. What has enabled you to really take this big leap? What’s different about you?
It’s not about me.
It’s about every entrepreneur, being able to stand up and take action.
Not only take action. Take action that may lead you to be bankrupt.
Every time I sign on that mortgage paper, I’m increasing my debt.
I am millions and millions in debt.
Be okay with the fact that you just risked everything you have in life to take the next step.
Take action and be prepared to lose everything.
Be prepared to fail.
It is worth it.
It elevates you. It takes you to the next level.
It impacts many people at the same time.
Bettering our children’s future and present
As a woman, have you experienced limiting beliefs about what you can and cannot do?
Investing in real estate takes a lot of travelling to go to seminars and events.
When I do that I have to look for someone to take care of the kids.
Sometimes I take them with me, and they stay in a hotel watching movies all day.
Every mother does not feel comfortable doing that.
That has been truly the most challenging thing.
Leaving my children behind as I attend the educational seminars to advance myself.
However, I look at it and I say “If I don’t do this my children won’t get to go to Disney Land by the end of the month.”
It is a temporary sacrifice, which I am doing for their future.
There is that guilty consciousness as a mother and as a woman.
But you look at the big benefit of it.
Taking the sacrifices so that they can have a better life.
Abundance
You took my quiz, Your True Selfie. [insert link www.yourtrueselfie.com] Any aha moments?
It was a true selfie.
For me it was honestly the truth of who I am.
My result was Abundance. [insert link www.yourtrueselfie.com]
That is my true belief.
I believe in the abundant mindset.
Our favorite tips from Thembi
Focus on only one goal.
Put your own personal needs aside to priorities your business.
It is important to have an accountability partner or a mastermind.
Take risks that could lead to bankruptcy.
Don’t measure your success through money, but your impact on other people.
Resources and Links
Visit her website: www.realestaterealriches.com for free tips in how to invest in real estate and for online coaching
Quotes
“You have to take action."
“To reach the next level, we have to put our needs on the side."
“It’s about focusing on that one goal."
“I believe that success is not measured by how much money you make. It is about how much you impact other people."
“It’s not just about the money, it’s about what you can do with the money."
“It doesn’t start with having a million dollars in my bank account. It starts with having $5."
“I would like to get a lot of people, I mean a lot of people, to help other people."
“For me alone I won’t be able to change the world. If I can impact many people to impact others then we would be able to change the world."
“A tsunami of wealth sharing."
“Not only take action. Take action that may lead you to be bankrupt."
“Be okay with the fact that you just risked everything you have in life to take the next step."
“Take action and be prepared to lose everything."
Did you enjoy the show? Let us know your biggest takeaways in the comments.
If you like what we’re doing, please subscribe to #InChargeShow in iTunes and leave us a review and a 5-star rating, to help more women who won’t settle find us.
Follow the links to take the quizzes we discussed on the show:
In the free report at the end of each quiz, you’ll get an invitation to join our Facebook community. I hope you accept it.
I look forward to connecting with you soon!
Until then,
Stay in your heart.
xx
Valerie
In this episode we chat about: real estate investing, real estate education, entrepreneur, immigrant, success, giving back, creating wealth, single mom, taking risks, reward, sacrifice, goal, focus, strategy, winning
Let success surprise you, with Natasha Khazanov
Give yourself a hug and other tips from a neuroscientist
Her success came as a surprise. When Natasha made her decision to leave Russia to seek a better future for her son in the US, she was sure that she was sacrificing her own career for good. But her entrepreneurial journey was just about to begin.
From sacrifice to success
What is the story of how you got on this path, what was your call to adventure?
I left Russia because of the turmoil at that time.
My motivation was to create a better life for my son.
I was willing to sacrifice my career to make it happen for Andrew.
I didn’t think I would be successful professionally.
I was hired at UCSF, one of the best schools in Medicine.
The department needed me to be a therapist.
I didn’t like it. It was too ambiguous. Too fuzzy.
Twenty-six years down the road I know that this is my calling – helping people to be happy and more resilient.
In my wildest dreams honestly I could not imagine that I could be teaching at UCSF, that I could testify in the Supreme Court, that I would have a thriving private practice in therapy.
My assumption that was you need to speak good English.
I wasn’t fluent.
I surprised myself.
How parents influence our professional life
So many limiting beliefs could have held you back, but you didn’t let that hold you back because you had this bigger desire at heart?
I did have that. But I also had another tool.
I downloaded the voice of my father.
My dad was the ultimate incredibly effective parent.
My dad parented me in a way that was intuitive. He didn’t know a lot about the science or the art of parenting. But he was wise and smart.
The download from my early childhood was “you can do whatever you want. Whatever you put your mind to you will be successful, because you are competent. You can make mistakes and because you are competent you will be able to recover from you mistakes”.
My mom was the opposite. She was very critical.
Her downloads were “Who do you think you are?”
I think this was my motivator to be a parenting coach and parenting expert.
I realized that when you have these two sets of voices in your head, one of them is helpful and the other is hurtful.
Overtime I was able to identify my mom’s voice as not very helpful and replace it with my dad’s voice.
Examining ourselves just enough
What would you say to somebody who is thinking “I don’t think I have had an empowering voice my life”? Maybe both parents were critical, or a single parent who was always busy. What can this person do to help parent themselves right now.
There are different ways to replace hurtful voices with helpful voices.
It is never too late.
We are never done. Even if our parents are very competent and good, still we develop unhelpful voices.
This is the work of self-exploration.
Socrates said, “The unexamined life is not worth living”.
It is true, so we need to examine our lives.
But a lot of times we live the over-examined lives. We are stuck in our heads. We examine our lives by being critical to ourselves and beating ourselves up for our failures.
So my prescription to changing ourselves is living our lives that are examined just enough.
That means paying attention to our feelings. Knowing where they showing up in our bodies.
Feelings are very physical, so it is not about thinking.
It’s about being present, and allowing feelings to show up.
Overcoming the fear of rejection
When you started doing work on your own and developing your SMARTT method, what kinds of barriers came up for you?
It was hard.
When I opened my private practice, it was scary.
It wasn’t as scary as it is now to launch my SMARTT Parenting because there is no guarantee that people will like it.
Fear of rejection is the most visceral fear for all of us.
The only way I was able to overcome my fears is being gentle, kind, and forgiving to myself.
And using my SMARTT approach on myself.
The same part of our brain lights up in fMRI when we experience social rejection as when we have physical pain.
Sometimes it is easier to be in physical pain than be socially rejected.
Transformations
My mom passed away recently.
She was my critical parent.
I had an amazingly beautiful experience with her before she died.
I used my SMARTT tools to connect with her in a way that was kind, loving, forgiving, and pretty profound.
My mom was not probably parented in the way that was stellar.
My mom was educated and smart, she was a physician. But she was not emotionally intelligent.
I saw the transformation in my mom at the end of her life and that was beautiful and amazing.
Facing our feelings to succeed
Acknowledge, welcome all your feeling. No good or bad, right?
A part of my upbringing was the notion that you were allowed to have one feeling at a time.
If you were angry, go in your room and clear your anger.
Feelings show up and they are messy.
Acknowledge you may be fearful or anxious.
Then you can surround your feeling with feelings of compassion to yourself, forgiveness.
Being gentle.
You can even hug yourself.
When your body feels safe, your brain works better. You are more creative, more perceptive.
Our favorite tips from Natasha:
Don’t let language or cultural barriers get in the way of success.
Welcome the hurtful and helpful voices from childhood.
To work through the critical voice, use movement and breathing.
To overcome fear, be gentle, kind, and forgiving to yourself.
Use the SMARTT tools to connect with children and with parents
Avoid over-examining or under-examining your life.
Be present, pay attention to your feelings and how they show up in your body.
Usher in and welcome all feelings.
To feel safe and be more productive, give yourself a hug.
Resources and Links:
Quotes
“Fear of rejection is, in my opinion, the number one reason why people don’t take risks. And when we don’t take risks we are not going to be successful.”
“All my feelings, comfortable or uncomfortable, are good feelings. In my book, there is no such thing as negative feelings. All of them are signals.”
Did you enjoy the show? Let us know your biggest takeaways in the comments.
If you like what we’re doing, please subscribe to #InChargeShow in iTunes and leave us a review and a 5-star rating, to help more women who won’t settle find us.
Follow the links to take the quizzes we discussed on the show:
www.yourtrueselfie.com
www.inchargequiz.com
In the free report at the end of each quiz, you’ll get an invitation to join our Facebook community. I hope you accept it.
I look forward to connecting with you soon!
Until then,
Stay in your heart.
xx
Valerie
In this episode, we talk about: success, mother, woman, immigration, confidence, self-doubt, neuroscience, parenting, healing, resilience, brain, love
A natural born entrepreneur, with Cami Baker
Work for it, learn in, own it
Cami was dealt a tough set of cards. She was adopted. She lost her father at a young age. She struggled with dark times and addiction. Tune in to hear how she learned to turn obstacles into opportunities. Trace her uncanny trajectory of work for, learn it, own it!
Obstacles into opportunities
At eight years old my brother was three years older than me and he was always broke, so I learned about collateral and loan sharking long before I knew what they were. I was holding his stuff in exchange for high interest.
And then when I was nine or 10, I was buying gum on the way to school to sell to other children for a profit.
How can you not see opportunity everywhere?
It’s in my DNA.
The path of leadership
Can you tell us more about how this kept unfolding from being a loan shark at eight and selling gum to being a minge-to-millions maverick now?
I have noticed that I have gone from working for someone in an industry to owning it.
I went from working in bars for five/ six years to owning one from 25 – 30.
I worked for a real-estate agent for a year-and-a-half, but then when I got licensed I was my own agent.
I can do this all by myself.
I think it is Jon Maxwell that said the best way to learn – you do it yourself, then you show me how to do it, we do it together, and then I go do it myself.
That’s the path of leadership.
Shift from work to play
I am actually trademarking the word “net-play” as opposed to “net-work."
It excites me.
It’s about playing, it’s about having fun, it’s about not having so much pressure of looking for leads.
Planting your seeds as opposed to looking for leads.
People who knew me 10, 15 years ago would not have said “play." They would have said “aggressive, pushy.”
It’s a matter of slowing it all down. When they can just take a deep breath and play.
Just be there.
I don’t care if the room has three people in it or 300. I just really want one. One person to have a good contact with, a good connection, someone I can follow up and enjoy.
Don’t be so worried about the company you represent, it’s the company they keep.
As Abraham Higgs would say, “if you’re trying to paddle upstream, there is a lot of resistance."
Get in the flow, and just let things happen.
Who are your mentors?
How do you decide what to say “yes” to?
Having a coach, having a mentor, having people around me that are of the same like mind – that are forward thinkers.
People that are inspired, not motivated.
For me, there is a difference.
People who are motivated are running from something. You’re doing it because you have to. You are motivated to get away from the pain.
Whereas being inspired is “I have to have that… I want to feel that." Inspired is moving to something that is good, as opposed to running from something that is painful.
For me, the more I surround myself with those people… it is easier to listen to your intuition and know what the truth is for you. Know what the next right step is.
Break down to break through
I am dying to hear your personal story of transformation. You mentioned that you used to be all about achievement and go-go-go-go. What happened between you then and you now?
There was addiction in my past.
I have not always had mentors.
I take that back, we all always have someone or something influencing us. But maybe its not a positive influence.
There has been a time in my life where the people were not so positive and they were not so uplifting.
There came a time where I had to void myself of everyone and everything.
I came to a place where I said “no more for me."
Totally alone.
Sometimes the best friends to have is no friends to have.
That was a beautiful time of growth.
Every time you have a break down you have to have a break through.
From fear to freedom
Even though I had left behind that negative lifestyle, on the other side of the desert I was still just a hungry dog.
I knew that I wanted more.
I was so aggressive and so tenacious and so assertive.
And so deep down in survival.
In fear.
Fear!
Fear of going back there. Fear of being alone. Fear or not knowing where I’m going.
There finally came a point not too long ago where it went from here [head] to here [heart]… “You got this. You don’t have to fight. You don’t have to prove anything.”
I did a lot of spiritual work.
I went to Sedona for 31 days.
I did massages and healing work.
We did some past life regression.
The inner shift
I have always been proving myself from before I was given birth to.
I was adopted.
When I was in my mother’s womb I knew that I was being given away. That I wasn’t good enough… “Please keep me, I’m worth this, keep me around."
So moving through life I have always been proving myself.
If I do just a little more, they will keep me around. If I do just a little more, they will hire me. If I do just a little more, I will prove that I am better than any man.
Got a lot done. Made a lot of money.
But I also stepped on a lot of toes and burnt a lot of bridges.
Today, I don’t feel like I have to prove myself anymore.
I know who I am. I feel good in my own skin.
Whether I am making a lot of money or a little money, I am making a difference.
That has been the shift for me.
Unattachment
My dad died when I was six years old.
I think that plays into “don’t bother to love people because they leave you anyway."
That’s still living today.
I have a beautiful, wonderful man in my life that I push away.
My business is way more important to me… meaning my clients, living my dream, and being free, and being able to travel.
And not having any baggage. Literally, I have gotten rid of all my personal belongings.
I took my trunk of all my photos. I scanned them into the computer and I threw them away.
I even think of people as baggage. I don’t want any of your emotional stuff holding me down.
I just want to inspire, be inspired, and not be weighed down.
Surrounding yourself shining people
Today, I can look at everything in my life and say “If that hadn’t happened I may not be who I am today."
I love who I am.
If I needed to go through that, if I need to have a breakdown to have a breakthrough then break me down.
Because I know on the other side is hallelujah.
When I was on the other side, in purgatory those people were not shining. Their crystals were dirty.
Not that they were dirty people, they just didn’t know how to shine. They weren’t blazing with the light.
I was simply reflecting that which I was around because I was like that too. My crystal was dirty.
The beauty of it is that there came a day when I realized “wow my crystal is really dirty and I need to find some people with clean crystals to hang out with."
If you’re not feeling that freedom, that liberation, that playfulness, take a look at who you are shining off of or not shining off of.
Our favorite tips from Cami
Find opportunities everywhere.
To be a leader, watch someone else do it, then do it collaboratively, and then do it yourself.
Shift your thinking from working to playing; be present, breathe, and flow.
Networking is about creating one good connection.
Find mentors who are inspirational, as opposed to motivational.
Shift from being in your head to listening to your heart.
Unattach from material and emotional possessions.
To achieve freedom, surround yourself with people whose crystals are shining.
Resources and Links:
Quotes
“Planting your seeds as opposed to looking for leads.”
“Whether I am making a lot of money or a little money, I am making a difference. ”
“If I need to have a breakdown to have a breakthrough, then break me down.”
Did you enjoy the show? Let us know your biggest takeaways in the comments.
If you like what we’re doing, please subscribe to #InChargeShow in iTunes and leave us a review and a 5-star rating, to help more women who won’t settle find us.
Follow the links to take the quizzes we discussed on the show:
www.yourtrueselfie.com
www.inchargequiz.com
In the free report at the end of each quiz, you’ll get an invitation to join our Facebook community. I hope you accept it.
I look forward to connecting with you soon!
Until then,
Stay in your heart.
xx
Valerie
In this episode, we talk about: adoption, adopted, addiction, overcome, overcoming, networking, woman, entrepreneur, confidence, play, work, success, create, self-made
Recovering superwoman finds her wings, with Kelly Swingler
6 months after becoming the youngest HR director in the UK, Kelly ended up in a hospital. Her illness awakened her to heal from the “superwoman syndrome” and uncover a bigger mission of her life. Tune in to learn how she found her wings, and how you can too.
Letting go of being overworked
What was your call to adventure? How did you decide to spread your wings and fly?
I spent 18 years working in HR.
I was recruited as the youngest HR director in the UK.
I pushed and pushed and pushed to get my career where I wanted to go.
I went fully into superwoman syndrome.
Trying to do everything that I possibly could do.
About six months after getting the HR director position, I started to get quite ill and ended up in hospital.
Even whilst I was in hospital waiting for my operations I was still working on my laptop.
It was after the operation when I was in recovery that I thought “I’m not going to do anything”.
What I wanted to stop at the time was this “Monday-to-Friday Dying Syndrome”.
I had this realization and started my first business, my consultancy.
Regaining independence
Last year I was diagnosed with epilepsy and had to stop driving.
I lost my complete sense of independence.
When I was looking more deeply at myself and finding my own wings, I started to look at energy.
I did courses in hypnotherapy, reiki. I looked at more energy healing and was fascinated with this whole combination.
With the changes that I have been able to make for myself over the past 12 months – personally, professionally, business-focused – and then being able to see the difference that I can make for other people… I am flying.
If I could talk to any women or even go back three years and talk to myself, I would say STOP!
Take time out and rest.
That has been my biggest learn over the past six months.
The selfless act of resting
I have learned that rest and relaxation are completely different things.
Tweet: Rest and and relaxation are completely different things. #inchargeshow @drvaleriebaker
Doing nothing wasn’t something I had ever done.
I have always been working 150 miles per hour and doing everything I needed to do.
Resting was doing yoga, reading, writing, going out with friends, taking the dog for a walk. It was doing something.
The thought of doing nothing was not something I could comprehend.
It’s not doing nothing. It’s resting.
Magic starts to happen.
I have some rest time everyday now.
Whether it is meditation in the morning or sitting and having my lunch looking out of the window rather than sitting in front of my laptop.
Taking time out for resting felt like a really selfish thing to do.
We have to reprogram that pattern that says doing this for ourselves is selfish.
We have to start putting our own wellbeing first.
In life, we are putting oxygen masks on everyone else and leaving ourselves till last and we are draining our own energy.
Overcoming panic
In my head I had to be the superwoman.
I didn’t want anyone to think I was failing.
Or that I couldn’t cope.
Or that I wasn’t good enough at my job.
Or that I wasn’t a good enough mom or wife.
When I was in my own headspace that is when I would start to go into panic.
What was the antidote for panic for you? How would you pull yourself out?
A technique I picked up was journaling daily. Getting the panic out of my head, writing it down.
Writing down a question and I would get answers.
From the journaling I was able to look and find more solutions on a deeper level.
With the meditation and focusing on my breathing.
Recognizing all the energy.
And being aware of the physical sensations in my body.
Our favorite tips from Kelly
Take time out to rest, stop, and slow down.
Rest is productive.
Self-care is a racial act.
Tweet: Self-care is a radical act. #inchargeshow @drvaleriebaker
Journaling, meditation, breathing, and listening to energy can provide answers.
“We are all on a journey. I don’t think there is ever a finish point. We just have to keep growing and changing.”
Resources and Links:
Did you enjoy the show? Let us know your biggest takeaways in the comments.
If you like what we’re doing, please subscribe to #InChargeShow in iTunes and leave us a review and a 5-star rating, to help more women who won’t settle find us.
Follow the links to take the quizzes we discussed on the show:
www.yourtrueselfie.com
www.inchargequiz.com
In the free report at the end of each quiz, you’ll get an invitation to join our Facebook community. I hope you accept it.
I look forward to connecting with you soon!
Until then,
Stay in your heart.
xx
Valerie
In this episode, we talk about: stress, burnout, calling, illness, awakening, finding yourself, overcoming, relaxation, rest, self-care, healing, transformation
When money loves you, with Morgana Rae:
How to heal your life with some money honey romance
What if you have superhuman powers to repel money? What’s the connection between your money and your love life? How do you find gifts in tragedies? Tune in to learn from bestselling author and money Goddess Morgana Rae. Heartbreak, enlightenment, and transformation await!
The despair or repelling money
What was your call to adventure?
The thing that I really sucked at was about money and getting paid.
With a half dozen certifications, celebrity clients, mountains of testimonials, working with coaches, flying out of town every month to take new trainings.
Big deal.
I was still struggling to make $100 a month.
It was really painful and hopeless and devastating and puzzling and frightening.
My coaches couldn’t figure out what was going on.
Something was going on in the inside.
I had superhuman powers to repel money.
Nothing I did consciously or did well could come close to my powers to push money away.
I remember specifically I had just taken another class on sales.
I mastered it.
Seven people in a row said they would hire me.
None of them showed up and none of them paid.
I was so distraught. Disappointed. Enraged. Heartbroken. Angry.
Angry at myself, angry at the world, and the universe.
Angry that so many people had promised, “If you do this, you will get these results.”
I ran out of hope.
I remember being in my little one bedroom apartment and dragging closed the drapes, getting on my bed, and screaming in despair.
Really just wanting to die.
Protecting yourself from being initiated into your next level
If you are doing everything you can do in pursuit of your goal with everything you have and you are not getting the results that you desire, I deeply believe you are protecting yourself from what you want.
It is unconscious.
You are successful at protecting yourself from a perceived threat.
The first step is to find out what exactly you are protecting yourself from.
It is never what you think it is.
Some of the best things in my life happened during the darkest moments.
Some of the worst things happened during light moments.
It’s not that your are being punished, it is that you are being initiated into your next level.
A glimpse into the truth of your experience on earth
Initiated into your next level, can you explain a little bit what you mean?
I took Your Selfie Quiz [insert link www.yourtrueselfie.com]
I got the answer “Love”, which did not surprise me.
I had just had my heart broken back in 2003.
I was really obsessed with this person and brokenhearted and despaired.
I went to an event.
I had an out-of-body experience on stage in front of 300 strangers.
The message I got was that I was breaking my heart through all of these wildly inappropriate romantic choices because I came to earth to find out what humans experience so I can teach.
The biggest message I got, the biggest shock where it felt like crossing a veil into a hyper-reality beyond the illusion of our lives, I am love.
That is all I am.
That is the nature of existence.
The fabric of reality is love.
It has guided me in my life.
The gift of tragedies
When I was 17 after a catastrophic car accident that left me in a coma and I almost died.
I think the gift of the head injury was it opened up my intuition.
I remember things before they happen.
I think we have experiences because that’s what we are here for.
There is a gift and a learning and a wisdom from it.
I call our failures and our tragedies research and development.
So that I can have the humility and empathy to respect the experience of other people.
The pain that I went through gave me the gifts that made my life far beyond anything that I ever imagined possible for myself.
If your money were a person, who would your money be?
What was not working for in your relationship with money? What were you protecting yourself from?
I made a decision that money needed to be my next area of spiritual growth.
I got really curious about what was inside of me that couldn’t be with money.
On paper it didn’t make sense.
I had the Ivy League education, the success stories, the branding and marketing.
I had another session with my coach, who had a weird moment of inspiration that changed my life.
He asked me, “If your money was a person, who would your money be?”
As soon as I imagined money as a person, I saw who my money in that moment was.
He was a big, dirty, violent biker.
He terrified me.
I could feel it in my body.
It’s like a full body experience.
I finally found out what my relationship with money was when I made it a person.
I don’t know how to have a relationship with a measure of value, but I know how to have a relationship with a person.
It was like a light bulb went on.
I knew there is no way I could have money in my life if that was my money because he was bad, and he was dirty, and he was dangerous.
Stripping away the numbers and connecting money with love
Looking at my history, money got in the way of love.
An inheritance was stolen from me when I was a child by the family member I still love most to this day.
My college trust fund was stolen by the person I took my first steps to.
20 years later, it was showing up in my relationship with money.
The root cause of your money issues are not really about money.
You will find it deeper.
Money is the symptom, not the cause.
You will find the cause in what money represents.
Money represents our worth, power, love, safety.
It is when you can have a really great wonderful relationship with money that is not based on the numbers in your bank account, that’s when you are really powerful.
After I changed my money monster to my money honey, the next day four people hired me at double what I ever charged.
Then started group coaching and I had waiting lists.
In 2007, I had over 300 clients.
The love must come first.
You cannot treat money like an object because then you are back in money monster territory.
You want it to be real to you.
The more intimate the better.
A lover archetype works best.
Lovers are equal.
Money without love is not a worthwhile proposition.
You have to have them both.
Listening for the message in our lived experiences
I have a mother who is a drug addict and a borderline personality.
She was violent.
She would vacillate from being the best mother who ever existed.
Then turning upside down and becoming very dangerous.
For those of us who were gifted with dangerous parents, wow is that the best training in the world for intuition and empathy for survival.
People look at my life now and most don’t know what came before.
All of that hard stuff gave me a piece of the puzzle, a piece of wisdom, something I needed to bring me here.
Whatever it is, whether it is a money problem or a health problem, it has a message for you.
The longer you don’t get the message, the louder it gets.
It is not your enemy, it is your message.
When you receive the message the problem goes away.
Resources and Links:
Visit her website: www.morganarae.com
Did you enjoy the show? Let us know your biggest takeaways in the comments.
If you like what we’re doing, please subscribe to #InChargeShow in iTunes and leave us a review and a 5-star rating, to help more women who won’t settle find us.
Follow the links to take the quizzes we discussed on the show:
In the free report at the end of each quiz, you’ll get an invitation to join our Facebook community. I hope you accept it.
I look forward to connecting with you soon!
Until then,
Stay in your heart.
xx
Valerie
In this episode we talk about: money, archetypes, law of attraction, manifesting, conscious creation, healing, money issues, abundance, wealth, ease, love, romance, financial, coaching, tragedy, gifts
Contentment on the edge, with Sage B. Hobbs:
How to live up to the biggest and best version of you
When she got cancer at 23, Sage learned that life was not a guarantee. She had traveled to nearly 20 countries as a kid. Her heart was set on service to humanity. What would you do if you knew might not have an indefinite amount of time to change the world?
Curiosity
How did your journey begin?
I grew up in a really adventurous family who were really into making a difference in the world.
I didn’t realize how unique that was.
Being curious about the world was a family value.
That natural curiosity led me to want to engage with people in a deeper way.
Human beings were the only things that captured my interest for a prolonged period of time.
I have travelled to nearly 20 countries.
What was your most unusual cultural experience?
Kenya.
It was a whole other level of poverty.
It deepened my sense of gratitude and purpose.
And taught me so much around how you can find joy in simplicity.
Tweet: “You can find joy in simplicity.” Sage B. Hobbs #inchargeshow @drvaleriebaker
I was 21.
It was profound for me. I expanded and grew monumentally.
Allowing me to learn in an experiential way around this thing called humanity.
Changing your path
How I got here in this moment, it was holding my second baby in my arms.
I started to approach the hour of going back to my work and I had this visceral response of “I really don’t want to go back."
It scared the crap out of me.
I am sitting there going “why can’t I just be happy enough?”
What would be a way to use my gifts to be of service to a wider community in a different way?
I finished out that school year.
I stepped into this entrepreneurial, coaching, personal development, writing world.
It was absolutely what I was supposed to do.
Listening to your intuition
I hear it from a lot of women, this guilt “I have everything that one might want but I am not happy." That is why they end up settling and not rocking the boat. What gave you that confidence to step up and that courage to do it?
I was 23.
I got an awesome first real job, making a difference.
I was psyched. I was idealistic. I was invincible. I was fired up.
I was sitting at my new desk one afternoon and I felt this little lump above my collar bone.
I ignored it for a little while.
It didn’t go away.
I was like “This really isn’t right."
I listened to that little piece of intuition.
It was a whirlwind.
I was diagnosed with cancer. Hutchinson Lymphoma.
I had to have chemotherapy and radiation.
My life turned on its head.
Receiving love and being true to yourself
I learned many many lessons, including how to receive love and let people help me.
I really needed help. I needed support.
I remember my mom saying to me “Sage, let love in. Let people help you. They want to help you. It helps them to help you. Its generous to let them help you.”
The other really huge thing was I said “Life is not a guarantee.”
Tweet: “Life is not a guarantee.” Sage B. Hobbs #inchargeshow @drvaleriebaker
It was really different to look at it in the face and think I might not have an indefinite amount of time to change the world.
Since then I have lived with much more of an actual presence that life can be stolen from you at any moment.
I needed to live in a way that felt true to me.
Tweet: I needed to live in a way that felt true to me. #inchargeshow @drvaleriebaker
Lessons from loss
How do you know when you are not fully in your center?
I lost my dad five and a half years ago.
It was traumatic for me.
He was an incredible role model for me.
There is a gap in my memory of fogginess around that time.
I can’t even get clear on what was happening.
I was floating a little bit.
I think that’s part of grief.
I wasn’t tethered to my center in that time.
It was five months from health to death.
I was flying across the country.
My dad had been in 11 countries the year before for work.
Then he all of a sudden was paralyzed, in a wheelchair from the chest down.
I know in that moment I couldn’t always find the grace or the internal knowing.
My intention is that we get better at snapping out of the old story that doesn’t serve us.
You get better at coming back to your joy, your purpose in the world, more quickly.
Receiving without guilt
How do you get back when you get disconnected?
I am a huge believer in that human connection is the most powerful resource we have.
Tweet: Human connection is the most powerful resource we have. #inchargeshow @drvaleriebaker
I think it is human disconnection that causes us the most problems.
For me, I call people.
I have cultivated my support grew, my team, my posse.
You get to choose your crew.
I have these women in my life who can get me back to who I really am in the world.
I call the people who stand for me being the biggest, best version of myself.
It is a reciprocal thing. It’s this give and take.
You have to practice it in order to also receive it.
The power of yoga
I was so lucky that I started doing yoga right before I got cancer.
Just at the local gym, as a 22-year-old.
After I had cancer, I wanted to be in a helping place and closer to nature.
If I am stressed, I got to go to yoga.
Something about doing yoga in community, my brain settles down.
I reconnect with the parts I like about myself.
Teaching what you are learning
I know you’ve taken my quiz that is based on the chakra system. Would you mind sharing your results and if it resonated with you?
Mine was Inspiration. [Discover yours at www.yourtrueselfie.com]
It’s about communication, truth, power, voice.
That’s also where my anxiety will come.
There will be a tightening, a restriction in that area.
It is interesting, one of the hardest poses for me is fish pose or bridge.
They are both these huge throat openers.
You should be teaching what you are also learning.
The balance between contentment and living on the edge
Back to cancer, I really got clear I want to enjoy this life.
I don’t want to always live so intensely on the edge that my fear is racking my nervous system.
I want to enjoy the contentment right on the edge.
Playing in that zone of always pushing, growing and expanding and finding grace.
Fear and excitement, they are a dance.
Does the fear stop you or can you walk with it?
Breaking through the barriers of stress
I often find that anticipation is where most stress lies.
The things that aren’t working in our lives also serve us in some way. There is a payoff.
That makes you seem like your life is important, being busy and stressed.
I have to examine stress for myself.
Where is it coming from? How much of it am I willing to tolerate? Is it a healthy stress?
There is some stress to writing a book, creating a live event, and being a mom to two kids.
How much stress is productive that keeps me engaged and what parts can I let go of?
So perfectionism and stress are going to always be my Achilles heel.
Where the room for growth is noticing when those things are stopping me or when they are serving me.
Our favorite tips from Sage
Listen to your intuition
Let love in, allow yourself to receive help and support from others
Find your people who would stand for you being the biggest, best version of yourself
Do yoga to relieve stress and reconnect with your true self
Balance contentment with living on the edge
Teach what you most need to learn
Our favorite quotes from Sage
“Let love in. Let people help you. They want to help you. It helps them to help you. It’s generous to let them help you.”
“My intention is that we get better at snapping out of the old story that doesn’t serve us.”
“Human connection is the most powerful resource we have.”
“I call the people who stand for me being the biggest, best version of myself.”
“Does the fear stop you or can you walk with it?”
Resources and Links:
Naked Communication book is available on Amazon: https://www.amazon.com/Naked-Communication-Courageously-Create-Relationships/dp/099817131X]
Visit her website: www.sagebhobbs.com for free chapters of her book and to gain insights through her blog
Did you enjoy the show? Let us know your biggest takeaways in the comments.
If you like what we’re doing, please subscribe to #InChargeShow in iTunes and leave us a review and a 5-star rating, to help more women who won’t settle find us.
Follow the links to take the quizzes we discussed on the show:
In the free report at the end of each quiz, you’ll get an invitation to join our Facebook community. I hope you accept it.
I look forward to connecting with you soon!
Until then,
Stay in your heart.
xx
Valerie
In this episode we talk about: service, humanity, travel, international, cancer, survivor, author, speaker, naked communication, book, fear, purpose, true friends, contentment, edge, balance