An Introvert’s Guide to Selling, with Christine Pereira
From a shy kid to an inspired entrepreneur, finding liberation through sales
Can being a shy kid fuel an exceptional business passion? How does an introvert excel at sales? Can sales conversations be an introvert’s vehicle for soulful connection? Amazingly, yes! Tune in to find out how.
Finding your focus
I love your focus on introverted entrepreneurs. How did you get into this particular focus?
I was at a conference and someone started talking about “well I’m kind of in introvert."
And I was like “I am an introvert too."
I started mentioning it to people and I got this amazing feedback.
I made a really simple PDF that I put up on Facebook – “An Introvert’s Guide to Selling."
It got shared by thousands of people.
Once I thought about it, I thought this is what I really relate to.
I realized that was one of the biggest struggles that I overcame.
From shyness to success
What was your own journey? What was your call to adventure?
I was a really shy kid.
I had such a hard time speaking to people but I really wanted to connect with them.
I found that if I had a script where I could talk to people and I knew exactly what to say, it made it so much easier for me.
When I got in high school I joined a business group, and I found “I can really do this."
That started out my love for sales.
Liberation through sales
In the course of nine months, I got fired twice from two different jobs.
This was really a wake up call – I’m really miserable doing this.
In my body, the thought of going back to the industry made me feel like my whole entire chest was constricting.
I knew it was time to start something different.
The challenge of receiving
If I ask for something, I am greedy.
I think as women, we feel that a little bit more.
Even people who are doing something that is 100% helping other people, they still feel a lot of guilt.
What I notice a lot is issues in receiving.
When it comes to receiving, not just money, but compliments, love, acceptance – not just from other people but from ourselves – that is just a whole different story.
I think it starts with self-acceptance.
For a lot of people it takes a lot of time.
To be at our best, we really have to take care of ourselves.
Battle to fight or time to go?
As an introvert and as a woman, what inner barriers did you have to wrestle with on your journey?
Balancing everything.
I went through the process of having both of my kids working in a corporate environment.
It wasn’t just me, it was the messages I got from everyone around me.
“You’re not going to be able to do all of these things because now you have kids."
“You’re going to have to leave early, so I am not going to pick you for these assignments."
The message that you get is not as worthy.
You’re not considered as important anymore.
That was very frustrating.
To have a company where so few women have a voice changes the dynamic.
I was pumping breast-milk in a tiny storage closet, where there was dust everywhere, where there was computer equipment.
I don’t think that would have happened if the CEO was a woman.
I had a very big struggle because I knew I wanted to leave but I didn’t want to give up.
I changed my mind.
I said “I’m not going to take this anymore, this is not acceptable.”
I am going to create a company where this is not the case.
Timing is everything
A year before I had gotten fired.
I started doing a lot of work on myself.
I started working with a coach.
I started reading a ton of books.
I started thinking about what am I really passionate about.
It was two women who were senior to me gave me these overwhelming compliments out of the blue.
It was perfect timing that they had both said it within a few weeks of each other.
I thought “I actually do love selling, and I actually am really good at it."
I was so energized.
The evolution of empowering women
What is your big vision?
An early business mentor told me “you need to get in touch with your big vision, because once you are in touch with that everything else will fall into place."
My vision has always been that I want to create this amazing, empowering conference for young women.
I think college-high school age.
I remember that being a very pivotal time for me.
I did have a decent amount of confidence.
Then all of the self-talk and all of the things that happened in the corporate world and society really confused me.
If I stayed confident and never heard all that noise, I would have been in a different place.
I would love to create a conference to empower introverted young women because that’s who I was.
And help them feel like themselves and accept themselves.
It’s really tough if you can’t tune into yourself.
The take-away top tips
What’s a good way to get started with Soulful Selling, if you were to give three top tips?
The first one is to make a gratitude list.
The impact of sales increased when people created a gratitude list.
It puts you in an openhearted state of mind. It grounds you.
Another one – to know your ‘Why?’.
Why do you do the job that you do? What is your story?
And the other one – selling is serving.
You’re serving people by sharing.
Our favorite tips from Christina
Pay attention to your body to find your path.
To serve best, first take care of yourself.
Test your business idea by talking to people.
Tune into yourself.
Make a gratitude list.
Know your ‘Why?’
Selling is serving.
Resources and Links:
Visit her website: www.soulfulselling.com
Follow her on Facebook @soulfulselling
Quotes
“If you are selling what your real passion is, really selling is serving.”
“Sales is 80% confidence and 20% process. And anyone can learn that 20% process.”
“No one ever is 100% confident or 0% confident. We can all improve.”
Did you enjoy the show? Let us know your biggest takeaways in the comments.
If you like what we’re doing, please subscribe to #InChargeShow in iTunes and leave us a review and a 5-star rating, to help more women who won’t settle find us.
Follow the links to take the quizzes we discussed on the show:
www.yourtrueselfie.com
www.inchargequiz.com
In the free report at the end of each quiz, you’ll get an invitation to join our Facebook community. I hope you accept it.
I look forward to connecting with you soon!
Until then,
Stay in your heart.
xx
Valerie
In this episode, we talk about: shyness, shy, corporate mom, work life balance, gender equality, gender issues, workplace, confidence, introvert, introversion, sales, soulful sales
Money conversations that create transformation, with Debbie Todd
Her big leap from a big position to a bigger life’s purpose
Debbie had a prestigious and lucrative career. Until the 2008 global financial crisis awakened her to her heart’s calling to start living her true God-given gift--helping families to get in charge of their money. We chat about discovering your purpose and healing your relationship with money.
Finances should be a family affair. #inchargeshow @drvaleriebaker
Listening to your calling
What was your call to adventure?
You remember that little global financial meltdown that happened in 2008?
I was doing very well, had a lot of prestige.
But all around me, my friends, my family, my neighbors were just hurting.
They were losing their jobs.
Around their kitchen table there was so much stress.
In my heart, I would come home and I was aching.
I knew in my heart I needed to start my own CPA firm and spend my time focusing on helping families who couldn’t afford to pay me a lot of money.
Help teach them. Give them the tools they didn’t learn.
God gave me this gift, and I needed to use it to help families.
Not necessarily help the corporate world get richer.
Look at yourself in the mirror
It must have been hard to walk away from such a big job, from the prestige that came with it, the money?
It was really challenging.
It took me 18 months to make that decision.
Because it is a lot of pressure from our peer groups and from society to follow certain norms.
But I would come home at night and I would look at myself in the mirror and I’d go “This is not what you are supposed to be doing, and you know it."
We can’t lie to ourselves.
Having faith
What gave you the courage to finally honor what you knew?
This is going to be a real vulnerable walk for me.
What really drove me was my faith.
I knew in my heart, being a Christian, how important it was to fulfilling my purpose.
I knew years ago that God had blessed me with this talent of helping people with their money situation and getting folks out of crisis.
I knew it wasn’t meant to just better the corporate world.
How could I be going to my job, sitting in this fancy office, moving millions of dollars around, and then come home and know that my neighbor is still out of work and didn’t have a clue how to help themselves out of it.
Lifelong mentors
My single biggest mentor was my grandpa Fred, who is a retired bank president.
Years ago he saw in me an ability that I didn’t even see in myself.
He encouraged me and prodded me. He said, “Debbie you can do this."
He is passed.
I still think about him to this day.
I look up to heaven and I say “Grandpa Fred thank you for all you did for me, and for giving me not only the encouragement to take the steps I needed to take, for believing in me and for what my purpose in life was."
It was really hard for me to realize that I need to step back and follow what was in my heart.
That’s when I started to truly live.
Money versus the heart?
Whether you believe in higher power, the universe, the cosmos, or in my case Jesus Christ, every single one of us has a purpose of why we are here.
By relaxing, wrapping our arms around who we are and what we can do, and that gift that we have to share, that is when life opens up.
The money doesn’t matter.
It’s the heart.
Money, habits, how you feel about money, how money impacts your life, is probably one of the most emotional heart-centered things of your life.
It’s not just about the dollars, it’s about how you feel and your fears.
Aligning yourself with your heart
We can lie to others and rationalize to ourselves.
But in our heart we know what we are supposed to be doing.
Have a conversation with that person looking back at you in the mirror.
That’s my heart check.
If I can look at myself and go “Yeah, we’re on the right path.”
Has the path been all roses and sunshine and puppies – no!
But I wouldn’t trade what I am doing now for all the prestige that I had before.
Because it’s not about me.
Inner challenges in the corporate world
You mentioned that you were working in this male dominated world. As a woman, what inner challenges did you experience in yourself?
As a woman, I always felt that I had to do it better, faster, cleaner.
And still be feminine and smile.
I worked with bond lawyers and financial advisors all across the country.
Even though I knew they respected me, when I would walk in I would get that “oh there’s that little woman” scenario.
It was that sense that I have dared to enter into the ‘man cave’.
The men would be in there talking, and I would walk in and they would suddenly stop.
I would always sense that pressure to be as good or better than them.
Because I had to compensate for the fact that I was a woman.
Walking the path less travelled
I was born into a military family.
I was the oldest of four children.
We moved a lot.
And we didn’t have a lot of money.
I always felt like I needed to perform.
I should be doing more.
I was the first one in my immediate family to go to college.
I knew that I needed to go to college and change my path.
That was challenging for my siblings because they never went.
I was challenged to fit in with my family.
Because I had travelled a path that they weren’t walking.
From stress to purpose
I was able to jump into the “Stress Junkie” mode.
I started out in the CPA firm and believe me you work a lot of hours.
I was a mom. We have five daughters.
There was a huge amount of stress in balancing my professional career, my heart center to help people with finances, and balancing my family life.
I had to come back and realize that all of that isn’t important.
Some of the corporate stuff isn’t important.
It’s about relationships. It’s about following my purpose.
Our favorite tips from Debbie
Follow you heart
Have a conversation with yourself in the mirror to find your true purpose
Trust your inner knowing and be honest with yourself
Understand your money issues may come from your life experiences
Travel the path less travelled
“Instead of using our experiences as something to say, well I can’t do that because this is my experience, you look at that and say, what did that experience teach me, what tool did that experience give me that I can use now?” #inchargeshow @drvaleriebaker
Resources and Links:
Did you enjoy the show? Let us know your biggest takeaways in the comments.
If you like what we’re doing, please subscribe to #InChargeShow in iTunes and leave us a review and a 5-star rating, to help more women who won’t settle find us.
Follow the links to take the quizzes we discussed on the show:
In the free report at the end of each quiz, you’ll get an invitation to join our Facebook community. I hope you accept it.
I look forward to connecting with you soon!
Until then,
Stay in your heart.
xx
Valerie
In this episode we chat about: money, finances, finding your purpose, living your destiny, finding your gift, living from your heart, money and emotions, healing money issues, empowering, taking charge of your finances, family conditioning, social conditioning, women in finance, CPA
All is well and getting weller, with Jeanna Gabellini
How to have more freedom, fun, and profits
“It’s all about the energy behind the strategy. If it turns you on, it's going to work," says Jeanna. She faced debt and death threats. Her journey took her from fear to fierce freedom and authenticity. She now teaches business owners how to double their fun and profits. You're in?
“If it turns you on it’s going to work.” Jeanna Gabellini #inchargeshow @drvaleriebaker
Standing up to claim your power
How do you help your clients get in that flow?
I call it inner guidance.
If you are not tapped into that place, then you are being a crazy person.
You are literally being tossed and turned with the tide.
You are in a sandstorm underneath a big wave.
The first thing I teach in any class is how to be connected in, and tap into your heart.
Your heart is going to lead your head to the right and perfect strategies for you.
We got to loosen up a little bit.
Breath is huge.
Be present for a moment.
If I am needing energy or caught up in a shit storm in my head, I got to stand up.
Claim the power back.
I had this one year where I was super broke.
I would describe myself as “stuck” during that period.
I would get in this loop in my head, worry for hours in a day.
I couldn’t do my work because I was so worried about the money.
Finally I would stand up and go “NO! I am paying that damn credit card. Universe bring it!”
Literally shaking off the loop in my head.
It would work.
I would always be able to make the payment, but not until I claimed it for myself.
Changing the energy
When we change our posture the mindset shifts automatically. It is so easy to forget, especially if your work involves long hours in front of a computer, in a cubicle, or office, or in one position. Maybe the only thing we need to change is our body position in space. Just get up and get out.
I usually go outside.
I got to move the energy.
I feel the most connected when I am writing.
I have a journal. I use it everyday.
For me writing, actually moving that pen connects me.
As soon as I start writing, I get out of my head and focus in on my heart.
I don’t try to figure out what’s coming next.
I just flow right into that heart space.
My big trick is, name 10 things that I appreciate right now, or what’s working well?
Prayers at night, thank God for what’s working well.
It doesn’t have to be big stuff.
I am grateful for all of these little things.
The ease of authenticity
My biggest fear is not looking like I got it together.
One of the best breakthroughs ever was I went to a leadership program and it was all about your presence in front of a room.
The room voted what they saw in you.
My type was “eccentric, bold, unpredictable, intense, and quirky."
They said your challenge is being more quirky.
I ditched my suit, I had on a t-shirt, I started playing money tunes.
I had the best sales.
And this was so much easier.
“The easiest path to somewhere is never the one that you think. We always make it so hard in our head. How can we make it fun?” Jeanna Gabellini #inchargeshow
Law of Attraction
I would love to know how you came to this place.
I think I am the typical story of you teach what you most need to learn.
When I was 20, I went to a Personal Goals seminar.
They put on the board “To think is to create”
I was so in love with that saying.
In that same leadership program I met my now best friend.
She introduced me Abraham Hicks.
Law of Attraction became the thing I lived, breathed, wanted to teach, and loved.
I can’t be a victim anymore because now I actually have the power to change stuff.
From fear to fortune
Did you have difficult times where you thought “What have I gotten myself into”?
The worst time in my entire life came as a result of my personal life.
One of my challenges is relationships, and who I choose.
I chose a guy when I broke up he decided to stalk me.
I was getting death threats. He was stealing my stuff. It was sheer craziness.
My life became about escaping.
This went on for months.
By the time I took it seriously it was too late.
I was like “I am in big trouble, I don’t have money coming in."
I started trying to figure it out, I was driving myself crazy.
My business partner kept on saying, “You are trying too hard, you are trying to force this."
Finally I had a fight with the new boyfriend and he said, “This coaching thing is not working out."
It was the greatest thing that ever happened.
He was telling me what he was seeing; spontaneous cry fits over the stress around money.
I committed to being different.
A month later, things started shifting.
All debt paid off, income tripled.
It was torture for over a year, but the results and what I learned were so massive.
Surrendering is the first step.
Not “I give up." But “stop pushing, it is what it is."
“You can’t push hard to get what you want. Surrendering is always the first step.” Jeanna Gabellini #inchargeshow @drvaleriebaker
Reclaiming your power
Fear was taking my business.
I was so stressed out.
So disconnected from my power.
I had given it all to him, just handing it over on a silver platter.
As soon as I took back my power he stopped bothering me.
One time my mom called me and said, “There is a box here."
There were things that he had stolen from me, like family photos.
He had returned them.
That was such confirmation.
Being in my power was giving me all these amazing gifts that would have never happen if I was still in fear.
Surrender
Once I shift how I feel, everything else will unfold. Just surrender. Everything else will flow.
I have come to know now that anytime there is catastrophe, it ends up being such a great breakthrough on the other side.
“Any time there is catastrophe, it ends up being such a great breakthrough on the other side.” Jeanna Gabellini #inchargeshow @drvaleriebaker
I also noticed the shorter amount of reaction time.
Earlier this year I had something that I expected to go amazingly well in my business did not go amazingly well.
I was sobbing like you break up with someone you really love.
By the next day I was like “I know there is learning in this."
It has shifted something that has been an issue for me.
Perspective is everything.
Change your perspective, change your life.
“Perspective is everything. Change your perspective, change your life.” Jeanna Gabellini #inchargeshow @drvaleriebaker
Resources and Links:
Did you enjoy the show? Let us know your biggest takeaways in the comments.
If you like what we’re doing, please subscribe to #InChargeShow in iTunes and leave us a review and a 5-star rating, to help more women who won’t settle find us.
Follow the links to take the quizzes we discussed on the show:
In the free report at the end of each quiz, you’ll get an invitation to join our Facebook community. I hope you accept it.
I look forward to connecting with you soon!
Until then,
Stay in your heart.
xx
Valerie
In this episode, we talk about law of attraction, debt, fear, escape, overcome, authenticity, ease, business strategy, business success, success, profit, fun, power, reclaiming power, present, in the moment
A successful author and the owner of a marketing and consulting agency, Vanessa Horn was diagnosed with adrenal fatigue, which affected her memory, her vision, her voice, and her the ability to type. She was forced to stop and listen to her body and listen to her heart in a new and deeper way. She gained a profound perspective on success, fear, and honoring our true gifts, which she shares with us on the show.
How is began?
How did your journey begin?
14 years ago, inside of my belly was a growing boy.
At the time I was a corporate financial analyst.
I became desperate to find a way that I could still have this outlet but be present for my kids.
That became this massive adventure into entrepreneurship.
To me, it is all about sharing my message and empowering others to identify what they are on this earth to do.
I struggled for the first 18 months.
Drained our savings.
It wasn’t working.
You are the creator of your life
What is the X-Factor there between somebody who makes it to the top, like yourself, and somebody who struggles?
My working hours are between 11 and 4.
I don’t do calls in the evening.
My business reflects when I want to be available.
Because it fuels me.
Truly creating a life that you love.
Being in that congruency, reverse engineering your business to create the life that you want.
Chasing the destination
It was this constant chase, “When is it going to be enough before I can allow myself to relax?”
Meanwhile I was missing my life.
I was missing being present to the joys that were in the day-to-day.
It is not some destination to pursue.
But how can I be present and accept the gifts that are right here, right now.
Listening to your body and your heart
How did you learn to stop chasing after the destination and start living in the moment?
I believe that whatever challenge we have been through in life is part of our gift to others.
Recently I hit an invitation to live my message at an even deeper level.
My body completely shut down.
This wasn’t just exhaustion.
But my body was speaking to me.
When I went and got diagnostic tests, they were like, Vanessa, you have got adrenal fatigue.
My brain was not operating the way it used to.
My short-term memory was not accessible.
I completely lost my voice.
I had such inflammation in my hands, I couldn’t type.
I’m a writer. If I don’t have my brain, my voice, and my hands, I don’t have a business.
These are my three greatest asserts of my business.
My girlfriend said, “You didn’t even mention your heart. Maybe everything else is shutting down so you will listen to your heart.”
What’s the worst that can happen?
I remember one time my coach asked me this and I was like “I am scared I will end up in a homeless shelter.”
It won’t be all that bad.
I can handle that.
It made me realize that no matter what it’s going to be okay.
For me, playing out the worst case scenario and realizing that when we are surrounded by love I would still survive and be fine.
It made me realize that I create this anxiety in myself.
Rather than giving myself permission to trust.
Inner work
You have this amazing capacity to not give up. Have you always been like this or have you learned this?
I am a huge believer of the inner work.
I couldn’t be authentic if I wasn’t real about my journey.
If we are not willing to do the inner work, if we don’t connect with our own hearts, we can’t connect with the hearts of others.
It is the connection with the hearts of others that helps us be successful.
Being curious to remain present
You stand out in any crowd because you are so present, so authentic, so real, so warm. Did you come to this planet like this or did you grow into this through different experiences?
I grew up all over the world.
My parents were on a spiritual pilgrimage.
We went from Brazil, to India, to Europe, to South America.
I got to see such a diverse experience of life and people.
That made me really curious about others.
I realized that part of my younger self had a desire for affirmation from others.
Now, knowing who I am as a woman, I have integrated the parts of myself that I may not have wanted others to see.
I have discovered that my affirmation from others had to really ground in that “Vanessa you are enough”.
Your gift is to be present for others.
I don’t have to be extraordinary.
I just have to hold up the mirrors to help bring out other peoples brilliance.
Self doubt to success
I sold my network marketing business to become to coach and an author.
18 months in, I had no clients.
I thought, “What is wrong with me? What am I not getting? Why is it not going off?”
Desperate. Struggling.
The struggle is part of your gift.
Me getting adrenal fatigue, I went to a deeper level in the journey to share with others.
I don’t need my client to affirm my worth.
I don’t need someone telling me I am amazing.
Because if I am seeking that I am not fully present for them.
Communicating with decisiveness and grace
When you lost your voice that was a sign that some deep work was happening at the throat chakra level, that invitation to go inward, to be quiet, and to really simmer in that inner work. Does that resonate with you?
I am living it right now.
I got sick in September.
I told myself that fourth quarter, all I am going to do is self-care.
And give from the overflow and not from the little bit that you have received.
At the beginning of this year I had this dream, there was this dear with a lion head.
The dear represents elegance, grace, and compassion.
The lion head represents boundaries, leadership, and decisiveness.
I knew my invitation was to step into that new level of decisiveness.
It really is possible to be a powerful woman, a powerful leader, and exude grace and elegance.
Tips on managing the your inner stress junkie
Getting everything that’s in our head onto a sheet of paper.
I keep a little notebook.
If it comes to my mind I write it down.
Everyday I look at that list and choose three things.
They are not big project things.
We have a finite amount of energy.
We have got to be mindful who we are giving it to and not push ourselves.
I would want no woman to experience what adrenal fatigue looks like.
Being gracious with yourself.
You don’t have to conquer the world in a day.
Our favorite tips from Vanessa:
Be so bold that you and others think “Who the f*** do you think you are?”
Fast-forward and think what kind of person you would want to be in Oprah’s chair and live that from today.
Embrace the baby steps.
Give from the overflow.
Resources and Links:
Visit Vanessa’s website: www.vanessahorn.com for free gifts and trainings
Did you enjoy the show? Let us know your biggest takeaways in the comments.
If you like what we’re doing, please subscribe to #InChargeShow in iTunes and leave us a review and a 5-star rating, to help more women who won’t settle find us.
Follow the links to take the quizzes we discussed on the show:
www.yourtrueselfie.com
www.inchargequiz.com
In the free report at the end of each quiz, you’ll get an invitation to join our Facebook community. I hope you accept it.
I look forward to connecting with you soon!
Until then,
Stay in your heart.
xx
Valerie
In this episode, we talk about: stress, adrenal fatigue, grace, ease, successful business, marketing, true gifts, confidence, self-doubt
Quotes
“Your best marketing strategy is truly creating a life that you love.” Vanessa Horn
“What if you can achieve the success that you want with greater ease, with greater grace, with less pushing energy and more receiving energy?” Vanessa Horn
“If we don’t connect with our own hearts, we can’t connect with the hearts of others.” Vanessa Horn
“Fast-forward and think what kind of person you would want to be in Oprah’s chair and live that from today.” Vanessa Horn
“Be so bold that you and others think “Who the f*** do you think you are?” Vanessa Horn
She who dares wins, with Tanya Targett
Surviving an abusive relationship and a tsunami and building a 6-figure business in 6 months
Tanya Targett has lived through terrifying dark times—experiencing an abusive relationship, a tsunami, clinical depression, adrenal fatigue, and mini-strokes. However, these experiences have fostered an inward journey of healing and bringing her true gifts to the world yet more powerfully and authentically. Today, Tanya is thankful for the life that she has lived. She shines as a great role model for her kids, a successful entrepreneur, and a rocking publicity trainer.
“She Who Dares Wins”
What was you call to adventure?
My dad was in the British SAS.
The SAS motto is “He Who Dares Wins”.
But I always changed that to “She Who Dares Wins”.
I didn’t want to join the military or I didn't want to chase bad people in the military with weaponry.
My weapon was pen.
I was going to take bad guys by writing stories.
There became an investigative unit. I managed to get in there, and I really did chase some bad guys.
I uncovered pedophile priests, I went undercover and hid under upturned boats to spy on politicians and got threatened with arrest by federal police.
As a reporter, I would drive into the eye of the storm, instead of away from the eye of a storm.
I kept going because I had it in my blood.
“She who dares wins” and that’s always become my mantra.
Why not me?
When I was in year 12 I decided I wanted to be a journalist.
My English teacher tried to talk me out of it, because it’s very hard to get a job as a reporter.
But that’s never dissuaded me.
My attitude has always been, “Someone’s got to get the job, why not me?”
Someone’s got to get the interview, why not me?
There were over 3,000 applicants and seven of us got a job as a cadet reporter.
I went straight from high school into a newsroom.
That mantra or being brave and being courageous and “He Who Dares Wins” has really served me well.
For those of us who think “Well, it can be me”, then it’s limitless what you can achieve, what you can do, and the access.
Weakness VS Courage
The other mantra which certainly did not serve me is “to show no signs of weakness”.
It takes so much more courage to stop and pivot, than to push through.
It took years for me to discover that.
It was only when I found myself on my own, living on welfare, when I was forced to accept the help from others.
I suddenly realized that to accept help is not a sign of weakness. It is a sign of courage.
To show vulnerability is to show great courage.
It went against all my programming.
The frog and the pot.
There’s a saying about a frog in a pot.
Overtime, slowly the temperature has been turned up to the point that it is so hot. You know you should get out, but you are paralyzed and you can’t.
I was in a relationship that was very controlling.
Classic psychopath behavior, I was moved away from my family and friends.
I was isolated.
All the little lifelines that I had were cut off very, very slowly.
All the things that I had going for me was all signed over to my husband.
I have become one of those women we used to write stories about. I'm one of those pathetic, weak women that were strong, that are educated, that should know better.
I was terrified.
Mine wasn’t physical domestic violence.
It was emotional and psychological.
You keep drawing lines in the sand but here’s what happens with the frog in the pot, the line in the sand comes and you don’t know how to get out.
I had no family, no backup plan, no lifeline at all, no safety net.
I’d gotten into a relationship as a woman; property and car and career.
I came out without even a car in my own name.
Broken, shattered, barely able to string a few sentences together.
I was unrecognizable.
Goddesses of support
Three weeks before I had fled, my daughter turned to me. She burst into tears and said to me “Mommy, if you don’t stand up to bullies, they’ll rule the world.”
She was nine.
I just thought, “I should’ve left sooner”.
That’s my only regret.
I found myself living on welfare.
Then I just went about madness with the support of friends emotionally, and I built a six-figure business in six months.
Signs of strength
Your outward success doesn’t even begin to tell the whole story of the recovery of your spirit because there is much deeper work that you’ve had to do
At the very first talk that I gave, the keynote talk to launch my business, I’m standing in front of a room only of 60, 65 people.
In my head I could hear him, “You can’t survive without me. You can’t do this on your own”.
I cried.
In front of a room full of people, I cried.
I drove home that night to the babysitter's to pick up my daughter. I cried all the way to the babysitter's.
I thought, “you’ve got a choice, you can turn the tears off and show strength to Olivia or you can show strength another way and you can show her that it’s okay to be broken”.
I cried for two weeks. And I came back.
I think that was so invaluable for her to see someone who she saw as someone so strong be so weak.
But it wasn’t weakness.
Someone so strong, so together, to be so broken and so shattered, to then come back even stronger and to keep going and to keep functioning.
Reclaiming parts of yourself from the deep dark places
Years earlier I went to work.
An inland tsunami came.
Killed 38 people.
My warehouse was in the epicenter of the tsunami. The business was just gone.
I couldn’t get home.
The tsunami separated me from my children.
It was absolutely devastating.
The stress of it sent me to hospital with a suspected mini-stroke. I had seizure after seizure.
I couldn’t drive for three or four months.
I had to start from ground zero again.
I was diagnosed from clinical depression, which was a fantastic turning point because the minute I got that diagnosis, I went, "I'm going to go again. She who dares wins. I can do this. I can pick myself up. I can keep going.”
I am so thankful for all of those because I can resonate and empathize.
I hope that being through this, it’s made me a better person, better trainer, educator, and leader.
I’m very blessed for my experiences and gifts.
Healing as the key to unlocking your story
What I perceived as weakness was my greatest strength.
When I was giving my live workshops, what I found was when I let my guard down or let a little sneak peak into my background that’s all people would want to talk about.
I had to heal enough to be okay to share.
Probably only four or five months ago have I actually started to share my full story.
The impact that I've had from being able to share that story is so fantastic.
That whole journey has been about healing.
I hope that I give other single parents the knowledge to know that you can have it all.
You can go through this and come out the other side relatively unscarred.
Speaking to your younger self
Healing has really been the key to unlocking that story and that huge potential to inspire others. When you're looking back at the dark time in your life when you were in that abusive relationship, what would you say to your younger self suffering like you were at that time?
If only I had have known back then what I know now.
My advice would be it’s going to be more than okay.
Everything will turn out just as you want it to be.
You can do this.
You will do this.
You are the hero of your own journey.
Make some space for all the awesomeness to come into your life.
Links and Resources:
Did you enjoy the show? Let us know your biggest takeaways in the comments.
If you like what we’re doing, please subscribe to #InChargeShow in iTunes and leave us a review and a 5-star rating, to help more women who won’t settle find us.
Follow the links to take the quizzes we discussed on the show:
In the free report at the end of each quiz, you’ll get an invitation to join our Facebook community. I hope you accept it.
I look forward to connecting with you soon!
Until then,
Stay in your heart.
xx
Valerie
In this episode, we talk about: relationship, abusive, business, starting, confidence, entrepreneur, mom, single
Living her right-sized destiny with Susan Peirce Thompson, PhD:
From drug and food addiction to a research and academic career to an entrepreneur success story (as in, from 0 to 7 figures in 2 years).
From drug addiction to food addiction, Susan Peirce Thompson plummeted to the darkest of places. However, drawing on a feeling at age 10 that she was destined for something powerful, she’s always been a seeker. She dedicated years of work to inner healing and understanding herself, which led her to find her true destiny. Now, she is a brain scientist, psychology professor, and the founder of Bright Line Eating that helps millions of people with sustainable weight loss.
Meeting an angel in the darkest of places
How did you go from drug addition to getting on the path that has ultimately taken you to where you are now?
I was a seeker.
I did mushrooms when I was 14 and had this really transcendent experience.
I committed in my deepest soul that I was going to do that every chance that I got.
And I did.
I sought alcohol and mushrooms and pot and acid and ecstasy.
I had a weight problem. I didn’t feel comfortable in my body and I didn’t carry my weight proportionately.
I found crystal meth and it is an amazing drug for weight control.
Suddenly I didn’t care about eating.
I did crystal meth for a very long time.
I got very thin and very psychotic, essentially schizophrenia.
I started having scary and complete breaks with reality.
I dropped out of high school.
I got pretty far down with my drug addiction.
I had to get clean and sober, which I did at the age of 20.
Not through any brilliance of my own. By dumb luck and grace.
I got taken to a 12-step meeting by this guy I met at a gas station at 3:00 in the morning – this really cute guy.
It was a strange first date but I have been clean and sober since that day.
The phases of the journey
What was the next phase? How did your journey unfold?
I had to go on another phase of searching for a solution to my food problem.
I was wanting the solution to show up with the same clarity that the solution to drugs and alcohol showed up.
It was not showing up that way.
It was this wishy-washy, confusing, some people do it this way, some people do it that way.
So I went to 12-step food programs over a span of years.
I had momentary success but nothing that lasted.
I went through a lot of pain.
An eight-year stretch of time had me ending 40 pounds heavier than I started.
I intimately got obese through that journey.
Parallel lives
I moved to the University of Rochester.
The universe was so clear, “Susan this is your home”.
I could feel my future in the walls.
Within a year I met my husband, six months after that we were married. I became a Bahyai, which is a big part of my spiritual journey. My life was going great.
But my weight was climbing.
My life turned into parallel lives.
I was having all this academic and professional success, my home life was getting really good, and all that success couldn’t seem to transfer over to this food problem.
I watched as food addiction took me to darker places than drug addiction.
Sugar and flour were worse for me than crack ad crystal meth.
They absolutely did take me to a deeper spiritual bottom, to more desperation, to more of a feeling of hopelessness.
A moment in time imprinted on our soul
You said you could feel your future in the walls, how did you feel it, how did you trust it?
There was a moment where I trusted it.
I was at Peter Lenny’s house – he was the Chair of department of Brain and Cognitive Sciences.
I excused myself to the living room and made a phone call to my dad.
He said words I will never forget.
He’s been such a support to me at different junctures of my journey.
He said “Stand in that living room and close your eyes and soak that feeling of being there. That is all that matters, how you feel being there. You will come home and talk yourself out of it and let your head get in the way. Remember how it feels”.
It was a moment in time imprinted in my soul.
Reclaiming the treasures of our past
How do you tune into your inner voice? In my experience it’s always the quietest voices, because the external voices and the voice of reason always tend to be louder. I need to really tune in deeper, go into a meditation, a prayer, a state of connection with my heart to really hear it.
I meditate for 30-minutes every morning.
The phrase “Bright Line Eating” came to me in meditation on January 26th 2014, as the name of a book title.
It was like a megaphone. It was commanding.
The universe put that on my heart.
I tumbled out of my morning meditation and started writing the chapter titles.
I believe that this Bright Line Eating needs to exist in the world and it is just pouring through me.
My whole journey has been priming me for this.
Things that I had written off as failures or meaningless side paths, every little bit of my journey was peppered with these coincidences that led me to where I am now.
Far better to live your own dharma imperfectly than to live another’s perfectly – Bhagavad Gita
I suffered from clinical depression and anxiety. Now I understand that going into the wounds actually uncovered the path for me.
Before I started Bright Line Eating I was working on myself really hard for 20 years.
I worked the 12-steps 13 times, in five different 12-step programs.
I’ve been to therapy since 6th grade.
I’ve done Byron Katie’s “The Work”.
I have two full-time life coaches.
I am in a couple of different mastermind groups.
I pay through the teeth for support.
I have a process for working on myself.
I know myself so well.
I am ready to be a hollow reed. I am ready to be the instrument, the channel.
I love your message of going toward to wound, going toward whatever’s hurting. Not trying to side step it.
Square your shoulders to it.
That’s where the magic is.
I don’t know where everyone’s inspiration has come from, but mine has certainly come from really diving into my biggest challenge—addiction.
My own healing around that, my own solution for that, living that experience, now qualifies me to help others.
Often people want to help the world but they are missing the true story that they have to share.
Take that mess, slowly start working on cleaning it, and bring that method to the world.
Aligning with your destiny
Looking back at yourself 20 years ago, could you have predicted your life right now?
20 years ago, no way.
But 30 years, yes.
When I was 10 and I was an actress on stage in San Francisco, I had the feeling that I was destined for something powerful.
I got that feeling back somewhere in my first year of sobriety.
For most of my life I could picture this.
This life that I am living now feels like the most congruent life that I have ever lived.
Connect with Susan Peirce Thomson, PhD and Bright Light Eating:
Did you enjoy the show? Let us know your biggest takeaways in the comments.
If you like what we’re doing, please subscribe to #InChargeShow in iTunes and leave us a review and a 5-star rating, to help more women who won’t settle find us.
Follow the links to take the quizzes we discussed on the show:
In the free report at the end of each quiz, you’ll get an invitation to join our Facebook community. I hope you accept it.
I look forward to connecting with you soon!
Until then,
Stay in your heart.
xx
Valerie
In this episode, we talk about: food addiction, drug addiction, destiny, spirituality, spiritual seeker, entrepreneur success, starting a business, weight loss